Things I've learned - Part One

Part One, because if I don't learn anything else, then my journey has hit a dead end.  I'd hate to think there is not more to learn.

1.  Know your body! Be more in touch with changes.  If you don't like the answers your dr gives you, pay the extra $$ and seek a second opinion.  It could save your life.

2.  Those annoying forms you fill out telling when you started your period, number of pregnancies, ect..... Fill it out truthfully.  Then take the extra time to have your dr discuss with you the precursors that may have you fall into a category with a higher risk.  I knew nothing about the precursors until AFTER my first surgery.  That actually irritates me that I was that uneducated on my own body at this point in my life.  

3.  Chemo is kinder and gentler than it was years ago.  They have all kinds of meds to help prevent all the bad side effects of the drugs.  This is where communication with your dr is important.  He can't fix what he doesn't know about. 

4.  A cancer patient should never ago through their journey alone. PERIOD.  There will be rare cases when family is not nearby.  Then a church family has to check in and help.  Neighbors who offer should be utilized.  It took me awhile to accept help.  Help as simple as allowing Todd to drive me and go to appointments with me. Help as giving as co-workers bringing me meals.  I took those offers as a sign of my weakness in there eyes.  Not as a sign of friendship and love and compassion from them to me.  Once I realized I was not weak, this was love,I stepped back and accepted their help.  Accepting allowed me more time to rest.  And a cancer patient needs rest.

5.  I will forever be grateful and remember and will PAY IT FORWARD, the ones who send me little gifts of friendship and encouragement.  Hugs, stuffed animals, notes through the campus mail, Lil Debbie notes in the mail. Pink t-shirts! Hats with hair! Candles, candy, pictures of beautiful boys, notes, worry stone,, breast cancer bookmark, pink hats, pumpkin decorated with pink wax, lotion that nourish my dry, hot skin.  The list goes on and on and happens daily.  These are the things I will pay forward when my friends need it! 

6. Rest is good.  I used to think I was weak laying done to rest.  Now I understand it is a necessity to allow my body to recup.  

7.  Prayer. Or should it be the power of prayer!  Last week I felt on top of the world.  Most side effects were gone, my energy during the day was great!   I don't think me resting allowed that to happen.  I truly believe that the power and energy of so many people praying for me is sent into my soul and gives me new life.  For that I am grateful! It allows me to give the best of myself to those I love.

8.  Love.  Which is better loving or being loved....in my opinion you do not have one without the other.   Which comes first?  Being loved or giving love?  Reminds me of the chicken or the egg.  Lol

I'm perfectly happy giving love first.  Then feeling blessed when it comes back and touches my heart.

9. The best thing I've learned is something I was told about 17 years ago turns out not to be true. I was told that I was old, overweight and had 4 kids and that no one would ever want to be with me. It warms my heart that someone has wanted just those things! Lol! No, actually I found someone mature enough in a relationship that loves me. He loves the way I love my children and him. And that is the kind of someone he wanted to grow old with. Although he is younger, he is mature enough to not base a future on physical characteristics. He, got to know me, and love me for me. And that is one of the best thingsvive learned in Part 1!

Frisco Young Life Prays for Me!

I've often wondered how I have had almost 6,000 people read my blog.  But after meeting the Young Life Family in Frisco Texas it was alittle easier to see how.

Darrell, my favorite second born son, has been blessed to meet the youth of Frisco.  But I'm thinking as they get to know him, they will feel as I do, that they are the blessed ones.  Todd and I were invited to attend the Frisco YL fundraiser banquet this past Sunday.  Not only were we not going to miss this event that Darrell was involved in, we jumped at the chance to take advantage of me feeling good and get the heck out of town!!

It was a slow paced weekend....Next to the banquet, the highlight was probobly Todd getting to see the area where JFK was shot.  I've seen this spot several times, but it still haunts you that such a major event in history took place right where you are standing.

I was completely out of my "comfort zone" there.   In fact, school and home are the only place I feel safe to take off my hat and let the wind blow through my hair.  errrr, I mean buzz!!  But since I figured I'd never see any of the people at the mall again, I went in without a hat or scarf.  It's very easy for me to forget that I don't have hair.  BUT, when you see people looking at you, it comes back and slaps you back into reality.  Kids didn't seem to be bothered.  But adults would look and stare and make me feel uncomfortable.  In my mind they are thinking one of three things....1.  Do you seriously think that hair style is in....2.  You might have cancer.....3.  I've chosen an alternative life partner....(even though I was walking with Todd)!!!  It is hard on your heart to see people look at you like that.  It even happens at HEB.

Back to YL.  Darrell proudly introduced us to everyone!!!  If I had a dollar for everyone who said they loved Darrell or had prayed for someone like him to come to Frisco, I'd have 3 dollars!! KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!  I could probobly pay for my hospital bill!!  What a joy builds up in your heart when you hear total strangers happy to have your child around their youth.

There's all kinds of sayings I could pass on to Darrell...."Timing is everything" -  "God answers prayers than need to be answered"  -  "Love your job, because it's obvious they love you".  But the one that makes the most sense to me is:   100 years from now it won't matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in......what matters most is that I was important in the life of a child. 

I know that is a powerful verse.  I have been that person.  A few years ago I was lucky enough to have a child confess to me the abuse he was going through.  There was no doubt in my mind that he was headed to a life of distruction.  Either by his own hands or by his caregiver who was on the verge of destroying his life.  It was not an overnight process of saving him.  It took a few months.  But in the end he ended up with a family member that showed him the light of God.  Protected and cared for him in a way he had never known.  The best part...he still got to enjoy his childhood.

So to the youth of Frisco I say, "trust Der'L to show you God's Love".  He feels it deeply and lives it daily.  He prays for you daily.  He better be praying for me twice a day and three times on Sunday!! LOL!!  He fell in love at Frontier.  Not with a girl.  But with God.  He climbed a mountain and left all his worries on the mountain and came down the mountain in love with God and Jesus.  He came home to me a man lifted up to a spirit he had never known.  It is his desire for his entire family to have eternal life in heaven.  And now that he is with you, you are his family also.  Let him show you how great your life can be when you are a believer.

Thank you Frisco for keeping me in your prayers.  Because of them I feel stronger each day!

Let's Catch Up!!

Countdown to Friday!! My next round of chemo.

But, in the past few weeks I have gotten stronger and stronger. The weekend of chemo is very low key. Friday after I came home I was WIRED! My insides were racing for hours. I tore into dishes and laundry and minor housework I could do. By 11 p.m. my mind and body were exhausted, but my insides were racing. My dear friend Bethany suggested a heating pad on my legs. I put it under my calves and it felt great. I moved it up to my head and in seconds I was asleep...for two hours. I then woke up and the racing was still going on. Do you know how little good tv is on in the middle of a Friday night. Or it may have been my attention span was short....No! There was nothing worth watching on. So, when all else fails, watch taped episodes of Judge Judy!! I love the show! My favorite comment of hers is "Do you think I'm stupid? I can tell you that on my dumbest day, I'm still smarter than you on your smartest!" Nothing could be more embarrassing than that with 15 million viewers...unless it's the Jerry Springer show and you just found out you married your cousin and the wedding isn't legal and your 7 kids are the Schwann Man's!


Saturday found me in bed most of the day. My stomach churned and was hot all day and night and into Sunday. I had 4 nausea meds that I took as prescribed. So, come Sunday morning when I took the last of it, I thought I was over all of it. I had a craving for califlower so I steamed some with carrots for supper. Just before 2 a.m. I woke with the worst pain, (non-childbirt) I ever had. I looked like I was 13 months pregnant with triplets. I had a fear that the chemo was burning my insides. That's how severe the pain was. From that point on, I had no sleep. I walked the dogs outside. I piddled in the house. I tried to lay down and get comfortable and that was impossible. Finally I got up and went to work. I thought I was dying. I felt awful. After school I went to the Dr's office because I know have to get shots Monday, Wednesday and Friday to help produce white blood cells in my spine. Because you know, the chemo is killing everything good and bad. While I was there I told them about my pain. Actually, i think they saw it in my face before i said anything. Ends up, I had my first case of heartburn. All I needed was a little purple pill, Pepcid OTC!!!! Seriously?! Death was knocking at my door and I needed a purple pill! Go figure. After that Monday set back, life has been improving daily.

Of course, the best part of my day is at school with the kids. By the end of the day, my energy is null and void. I go home to take a nap and get up and do laundry and dishes and then go back to bed. But, the good news is each day I get stronger and sleep after school alittle less. This last week I actually did some work BEFORE laying down!!

But....alas....just as I am achieving my greatest strength....I head back to start all over again. But I will NOT have heartburn this time!!

Before I started my chemo, we met with the Dr to go over my scans. This was a good news/bad news meeting. Bad news is, the cancer did get into my blood system and travel to my spine. I have tumors on my spine, which causes back pain, that I have been chalking up to age and strain. The GREAT news is....ALL MY VITAL ORGANS ARE CLEAN!! And my heart is healthier than most of my age.

The chemo was planned for every week. But with the new evidence, a stronger plan of attack was made. That is why I go every 3 weeks for a stronger mixture. The hope is that the meds will take care of the tumors and any other questionable cells.
What doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!!

It's only hair...

You can say those words to yourself.  Others can say them to you.  After all, it will grow back.

But when it's finally gone, you are different.  You stand out in a crowd for all the wrong reasons.  Having no hair or when you are actually bald labels you.  People look at you with sad eyes.  You can see them do the math in their head.  Are you in the percentage that will live or die.  They start counting in their mind all those they know that are or have fought cancer.  Has anyone lost their battle? How many are still alive.... And then they smile at you as they walk away.  Then there's the children.  The ones that look at you and laugh and the ones that look at you and get scared.

My plan is to be brave and strong and proud of my look.  Because, it is so much better than the alternative.

A Quiet, restful weekend....by my choice!

My chemo treatment Friday was uneventful...although I really didn't know what to expect going into it.  Basically, I sit in a fairly comfortable lazy boy type chair and relax.  A pillow behind my back or head and I was good to go.  Several bags of drugs were pumped into me through my port on my chest.  Very comfortable procedure.  It will be a time of relaxation in the future.  This time I bounced from tv, to magazines, to eating a salad, to playing solitaire.  Never sure just what to do.

When the last drop was done, I got up, walked out and drove home.  By then, the steroids were kicking in.  I was washing clothes, washing dishes, folding clothes, walking the dogs.  It was hard to relax.  By 11:30 pm my mind and body were tired but my insides were moving forward.  I laid in bed with a heating pad on my calves and feel asleep.  An hour later UP AND at it again

I took the dogs out for a walk and then tried to find something to watch on tv. Nothing much was on. Sleep finally came a little after 4 am and lasted until 8 am.  I felt well rested.  The whole weekend my only complaint was an upset stomach. Non- stop.  Soup and 7 up never helped.  Another side effect started late Saturday night.  The bottom of my feet felt HOT.  Todd said they were this hot to the touch.  I just grabbed a gel pack out of the freezer and rest my feet on it.  Today my hands and feet are starting to tingle and my feet are still hot.  I'm thinking I need to set outside barefoot and let the fall air cool them!

This week I go in after school Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a shot.  Because the treatment I am getting is so strong, I will only have it every three weeks.  If I did it weekly, the drugs alone would kill me!  So between treatments it's shots.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger! So for now I will take advantage of the rest I can get in order to get stronger!

Love to all!

The first day of the rest of my life....

Two hours into my treatment and I feel the same as I did when I came in!

All I see going in is clear liquid going in...and I've had to pee twice already!  This second time I even stopped to ask if I was peeing my medicine out.  I was told "not yet". LOL!

Now I'm having a red concoction.  They call is strawberry daiquiri! Now I see why I will pee red/orange later on! Hehe!

The Quiet Warriors

There are many quiet warriors that I need to acknowledge.  One at the top of the list is Collier Construction, Todd's employer.  They have allowed him to be my chaffauer, nurse, housekeeper, friend and husband.  At the end of the day, as my body wears out, he is the extra set of hands that helps lift me up.  I will forever be thankful for the Collier Family and business for being my extended family and giving me this time with Todd.

BMS is my family.  For those of you who don't know, my family is 1000 miles away in Nebraska.  I have David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean here.  My family is small....dad, mom, brother, sister-in-law.  So, BISD long long ago became my family.  My family is FULL of sisters I never had.  These sisters are my warriors that share so much with me.  Because of them, I feel I am from a big family.

One of my little sisters scared my kids at school this week.  Michelle Catron and I have convinced our students for a few years now that we are sisters.  She of course is the younger crazy sister.  I am the mean older sister.  When Michelle is in "full swing", my favorite line is that mom let her out of her locked room again without her meds.  The kids giggle and will watch her antics the rest of the year.  This week Michelle was fussing at me for carrying books.  She took off her shoe and spanked me  in front of some kids! It was priceless! Until she left.  Then, the magic of being important in a child's life took over.  One by one, those students would come up to me and make sure I was ok...and find out if that was for real or was she joking with me.  It is moments like that that inspire me to be more at school.

I hesitate to start typing everyone's name, because I will hurt feelings - yours and mine- if I miss someone....but I do want to thank Linda Kocian for my daily hugs! Every morning she comes in and checks on me and gives me a hug to start the day.  Now, it's not that others don't check on me, it's just that it has been a positive thing for Linda to do this for me. It may be one of those "everything happens for a reason" thing actually.  You see, Linda does not like change and isnt always ummm shall we say "upbeat"....LOLOLOLOL....and this year got moved into a different room.  But, having her in this room has been super for me! I would never had seen her this much if she hadn't moved.  So for me AND her, this was a good move.

One of my favorite friends calls me 'Lil Debbie!  Ann DeBolt and I connected probably 14 years ago through the different departments at BISD.  I hope she knows how much she has touched my heart with her visits lately.  ( and the chocolate and home grown flowers didn't hurt either)

A unexpected hug today realllllly made my day! Connie Merten became a warrior a while back.  Through all this journey I would get words of encouragement from her.  Today, by chance, (or was it another everything happens for a reason moment) I saw her and got a HUG in real time!

Before I post this, and settle in for the night, I have to thank my God for Trisha Buechmann.  As I've said before, her expression is the one that sticks with me day and night as I continue my journey.  Today, towards the end of school she gave me one of those hugs that you feel from the tip of your toes to the top of your head.  I am thankful for this ladies friendship.  And she is happy I have two boobs!! GOTCHA!

Every Moment of Every Day

Living with cancer and it's treatments and the tests and shots and dr appointments is easy.
You just do it.

It's the mental part of cancer that wears you out.  It can easily overtake every thought of your day.  I am always thinking about how my children are dealing with it.  How my husband can always be there for me, so when does he have his "moments".   What changes will my students see that will alert them to my health?  Will I feel strong enough to get through each week of work.  Can I keep up with house work.  When will this pain stop, when did this pain begin?  Can I keep mylife fairly normal?

If you are like most women, you put your children first, job, husband, house, etc.....etc.......etc....

And never find OR never make the time for yourself.  If you want to live with cancer long enough to OUTLIVE cancer, you have to put yourself at the top of the list.  This change in priority is my downfall.  I have been told over and over and over again that for the next year, I need to put myself first.  It seems so selfish.  A foreign concept.  After all, I never had my first pedicure until two years ago.  That was a treat that I look forward to several times a year now!

It's time for you to find your time and schedule it into your day.  This can be as simple as a few more moments in the bath...an extra few blocks when your walking, reading the book you've been wanting to but not find the time for (might I suggest 50 Shades of Grey) ... Point is, find yourself some "me time" and use it!