I forgot where I read this, but towards the end of January I stumbled across it somewhere...
"If the fear of cancer keeps you from moving forward, enjoying life, being with loved ones, laughing...then the cancer won."
If that's the case- then I know my Mom won. My Mom won so big.
I had never seen anything like it. 'It' being the way that she handled all that was thrown at her. Looking back at it now- she had a lot of reasons to slow down, to get discouraged, to be angry, to feel like giving up...and when most people would have reached their breaking point, she never gave in. Her attitude remained upbeat. Her smile remained contagious. Her laughter remained infectious. Her spirit remained inspiring. Her faith kept her going, kept her fighting.
She got out of bed every morning thankful, thankful that she had a job to get up and go to, a job that she loved. Thankful that there were smiling faces of teachers and students waiting for her at this job she loved. After work when most people dreaded going to HEB- she loved it. She loved trying new recipes. She loved coming home and cooking for us. She loved coming home to her family. At night, she sat in 'her chair' watching TV, reading a book, texting her friends, surfing the web on her iPad, and reading a book....YES all at the same time. She was good. She multi-tasked and enjoyed every bit of everything she did. She'd go to bed, more than likely, in pain. Notice that I never once said she complained about anything throughout the day. At most, if she was having a rough day, she would mention something along the lines of "my back is hurting, but I'm sure an ice pack will help me out". That's how she always saw things, "could be worse and I'm going to do whatever I can to make it as 'better' as possible". She went to bed thankful every night. Tired, but thankful, and not without kissing our cheeks or forehead goodnight first. I miss those moments more than anything. Looking back at the moments that I was able to share with her these past few years takes away every bit of embarrassment that being 24 and living at home brought me. I will forever thank God for having my path lead me to being 24 and living at home- because I was able to be with her for that much longer. He is so good.
She made life as normal as possible for her and for her family from the moment she was diagnosed. I will forever be thankful for that. She made the best out of every single moment she had and I pray that I am able to take her attitude and spirit with me every day for the rest of my life and live life more like her as much as possible.
Mom had cancer, but cancer didn't have her.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
Through My Daughter's Eyes - One Month.
We have made it through the most challenging, heart-breaking, and worst month of our whole lives. After experiencing a month without my Mom, I'm not sure how I am supposed make it the rest of my life without her.
I knew how lucky I was to have her when she was here...but her not being here, has taken that to a whole new level. That little saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone", is now ringing so true. I have thought about her ALL day long, every day. I see her everywhere. EVERY thing reminds me of her. I have so many special memories of her which I am so thankful for but at the same time, my heart breaks knowing all of the things that I won't get to do with her anymore. I had so much fun with her. I had so much to look forward to with her and now that future has been taken away from me, from her husband and from my brothers. It just doesn't seem fair.
I'll never forget standing in front of a room full of people at Mom's memorial, and making eye contact with someone each time I looked up. Each time I would see someone, I would instantly think, "oh my gosh my Mom loved them so much"...or, "Wow. I remember how much they loved my Mom". Just as people are feeling sympathy for my family, my heart breaks for SO many people as I know we are not the only ones mourning in this loss, a huge loss.
This might have been a pretty depressing post, and I apologize for that. I don't think Mom would be very proud of me for this, but over the past month, I've found myself trying to be strong for other people, to not cry in front of others in fear of making them feel uncomfortable. When other people have been sad, my mind goes a million miles a minute just trying to think of something, anything to comfort them. But there comes a point in this situation, where you just have to let yourself be sad sometimes. Let yourself be upset. Let yourself be angry. So here I am letting myself be sad, upset and angry yet still remaining hopeful that brighter days are ahead.
Now- go hug your Mom. Or call her. Or send her a text. And don't ever be shy in letting her know how much you love her. Don't hold back anything from her. Life's too short for that.
Love,
Deb's daughter
I knew how lucky I was to have her when she was here...but her not being here, has taken that to a whole new level. That little saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone", is now ringing so true. I have thought about her ALL day long, every day. I see her everywhere. EVERY thing reminds me of her. I have so many special memories of her which I am so thankful for but at the same time, my heart breaks knowing all of the things that I won't get to do with her anymore. I had so much fun with her. I had so much to look forward to with her and now that future has been taken away from me, from her husband and from my brothers. It just doesn't seem fair.
I'll never forget standing in front of a room full of people at Mom's memorial, and making eye contact with someone each time I looked up. Each time I would see someone, I would instantly think, "oh my gosh my Mom loved them so much"...or, "Wow. I remember how much they loved my Mom". Just as people are feeling sympathy for my family, my heart breaks for SO many people as I know we are not the only ones mourning in this loss, a huge loss.
This might have been a pretty depressing post, and I apologize for that. I don't think Mom would be very proud of me for this, but over the past month, I've found myself trying to be strong for other people, to not cry in front of others in fear of making them feel uncomfortable. When other people have been sad, my mind goes a million miles a minute just trying to think of something, anything to comfort them. But there comes a point in this situation, where you just have to let yourself be sad sometimes. Let yourself be upset. Let yourself be angry. So here I am letting myself be sad, upset and angry yet still remaining hopeful that brighter days are ahead.
Now- go hug your Mom. Or call her. Or send her a text. And don't ever be shy in letting her know how much you love her. Don't hold back anything from her. Life's too short for that.
Love,
Deb's daughter
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Through My Daughter's Eyes - Part One
This is the second account of my Mom’s that I have (easily) been able to hack into. I’d like to think of it as a special bond between the two of us rather than it being creepy that I am able to guess what her passwords are.
I remember sitting in my design studio in college talking to my friends about how I always wanted to start a blog but I wanted a really good name before I started. We would brainstorm at times, but nothing ever came up, so I never started a blog. But my Mom did. And I never, in ten million years, thought it would be a blog about her journey with cancer. My Mom was the type of person that helped others through difficult times, how did she become the person needing the help?
I’m so thankful that she did start this blog. I know it gave countless numbers of people laughs, comfort and smiles. I love reading her words. She told her story so well. On February 3, 2014, I mentioned the idea of her starting her blog back up and she said, “I don’t have the energy to type yet. Love you!” My heart broke knowing how worn out she was and then she made me feel somewhat better by just saying ‘love you’. Is there a better feeling than hearing someone tell you that they love you? I don’t think so, especially when it’s coming from your Mom. There is no one that compares to your Mom.
So- I want to keep her story going, for forever. What will I write about? Beats me, but I know she will guide me, she always has. I never want people to stop talking about her or stop thinking about her and I hope this can hopefully play a small part in that never happening.
I’ll be back soon.
Love,
Deb’s very proud daughter
I remember sitting in my design studio in college talking to my friends about how I always wanted to start a blog but I wanted a really good name before I started. We would brainstorm at times, but nothing ever came up, so I never started a blog. But my Mom did. And I never, in ten million years, thought it would be a blog about her journey with cancer. My Mom was the type of person that helped others through difficult times, how did she become the person needing the help?
I’m so thankful that she did start this blog. I know it gave countless numbers of people laughs, comfort and smiles. I love reading her words. She told her story so well. On February 3, 2014, I mentioned the idea of her starting her blog back up and she said, “I don’t have the energy to type yet. Love you!” My heart broke knowing how worn out she was and then she made me feel somewhat better by just saying ‘love you’. Is there a better feeling than hearing someone tell you that they love you? I don’t think so, especially when it’s coming from your Mom. There is no one that compares to your Mom.
So- I want to keep her story going, for forever. What will I write about? Beats me, but I know she will guide me, she always has. I never want people to stop talking about her or stop thinking about her and I hope this can hopefully play a small part in that never happening.
I’ll be back soon.
Love,
Deb’s very proud daughter
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