Merry Christmas

The Heartbreak of Newton

Everyone's heart grew heavier with the news of the shooting in a peaceful town, much like Anytown, USA. Ordinary people instantly became heroes and innocent children instantly became Angels. There is no other place for those who lost their lives...than Heaven. If this tragedy didn't make you hug your children tighter or call those you love and tell them you love them, nothing will. A Nation instantly adopted a town and prayed, morned and struggled with the why's. To me, this is not an issue of gun control. Except I would agree that assult weapons DO NOT need to be in the hands of the average citizen. But I do see it as a need for better screening for mental health care. Maybe more trust should be put into the observatons of teachers at school. We see at a very early age those children who struggle with demons. But there is not place to start the process of extended mental health care. I would hope that the the loss we as a Nation endured with this shooting, the Twin Tower attack, the Oklahoma City attack and the many other invasions of peace and loss of life would spark you to appreciate your life and those you love more. We need to live each day as if it were our last without loosing site of a wonderful future.

12-12-12

If there was anything magical about this date, I felt it! There is no better place to have a birthday than at Middle School. IF the students like you, you will get birthday wishes all day. I received wishes all day Wednesday, all day Thursday and all day Friday! They knew they had heard it on the announcements. I think they forgot what day they heard it, or for some, Friday was the first chance they had to see me. Regardless, it will go down as one of the best birthdays I have ever had. My dear friends Bethany, Lisa and Megan decorated the library with streamers and balloons so it was VERY FESTIVE!! It was a GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!

Not for the weak...

I'm giving you fair warning that this post will discuss my bodily functions... Okay, so your reading on....you're the kind of person that would stop and watch a train wreck also! Lol! Friday was treatment day. I was the youngest patient there. Not sure what I should make of that! But I felt healthier than allllll of them! There is an unspoken bond we all share. Lots of small talk...several patients enjoyed the cooking shows for hours on end! I did catch a green bean recipe that looked yummy! Just before the Benadryl hit and I slept for 3 hours. I learned this time that some of the meds have side effects that the Benadryl helps discourage. I don't know what they are, but I did notice my arms had lots of dark brown blotches appear, but left awhile later, so I'm thanking the Benadryl for that. I truly felt great last night. The side effects of the shots were gone and so for the first time in WEEKS I walked without any pain in my bones. I felt great, I felt my age instead of previewing that of a 90 years old! Darcee and I headed to college station and enjoyed some Christmas shopping. Even hitting some great bargains! Whhhoooohooo!! I finally fell asleep a little after 3 a.m. I slept sound and felt great when I woke up around 8 a.m. The dogs enjoyed a walk before I headed off to HEB. Groceries put away, soup in the crock pot, laundry going...and it hit me! A HOT FLASH. These are not just run of the mill hot flashes. These last forever and make my bald head sweat! Lol...the good part is when the Ac kicks in and the sweat cools fast!! Needless to say the AC got turned down to 67 again. It must be my magic number. My hot flashes really zap my energy. So it wasn't much longer and I was worn out. Since 2 p.m. I've been laying in bed. Done some online shopping and lots of solitaire. I recently read that a lot of chemo patients play solitaire for hours. It has our mind concentrating on one thing vs. when the chemo brain kicks in and I think of a million things but can't concentrate on doing more than one at a time. I've become a list maker! My last round of treatment and this round have played a number on my intestines. I pass gas all the time. Sometimes not knowing its coming. Sometimes it's a machine gun going off. Sometimes silent and deadly. Two days after my last treatment I'd pass gas - or did I? I ended up changing my underwear 3 times that day. Lol! I went to school that Monday and felt terrrrrrible. Luckily it wasn't the meds, I ended up being sick with a bug that ruined most of my thanksgiving day break. BUT, timing is everything....I had the luxury of having time off and not missing work! It's wonderful how HIS plan works out sometimes! Anyway on that Monday I had to tell Mrs Still I couldn't make it all day. And explain that my gas was a challenge and I didn't bring extra underwear to school. She swears I'm the only one who can make cancer funny! At our first faculty meeting before school started, Mrs Still allowed me to tell my BMS Family that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Starting off my story, I made it a point to tell the males at our campus to be the extra set of hands and be aware of changes in their wife/partners breasts. Before they meander to their dander, do a little breast maintenance. We would call it foreplay, they can call it inspecting! Either way, be AWARE! I had them in giggles! I remember then Peggy saying only Tackett can make cancer funny. Well, what doesn't kill us we should get to say NA NA NA NA BOO BOO to! Cancer won't kill me! It'll be some driver in Brenham who shouldn't have had their license renewed or is not patient with the road construction! YIKES! Well, gotta go gas urge coming, tummy tightening, feels .......wet!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving found me surrounded by all four of my children, my husband and two dogs. Life could not have been better, unless I felt better! LOL! It was a rough week physically. I have found and confirmed by my Dr that the side effects will build up and some will get worse before they get better. The hot flashes are back times 100. Thanksgiving Day I had the air condiitioner set at 67. The family had blankets on them and I had ice packs on me. The Dr said this side effect will drive my family crazy in the months ahead. Oh Joy! Emotions are also becoming uncontrollable. The Saturday of Thanksgiving Break I had a meltdown. I was disappointed that I wasn't getting much help. I started throwing dishes in the cabinets as I put clean dishes away. I tossed silveware in the drawer. Finally they came to see what was wrong. I cried and cried and sobbed. I said what do I need to do to get help. It was a double-edged sword that I couldn't win. I want life to be "normal". But I can't do it all, so that is not normal. But, the kids have been amazing since then. A few days they have "vacationed". But then, so have I. It's okay to use paperplates. It's okay not to do laundry everyday. It's still there the next day when someone can help or I feel better. And if you run out of clean underwear, turn them inside out or go to Wally World. It's open 24 hours a day. So I am slowing down and accepting that life will be okay, even if it's not normal. Besides, who decided what normal is? I have learned to be Thankful daily. Hourly. Each minute. There is so much to be thankful for when you are faced with the possibility of having it all disappear. Or should I say, me disappearing from it. I speak to God all day long wishin' and a hopin' for more time to enjoy his earthly gifts. I know everyone is thankful for what they have. That is why you rushed out on Black Friday to get more of that "stuff". Instead of that, I enjoyed getting up early and listening to the quiet of a full house. The warmth of love that had been shared during the day of Thanksgiving. My precious children allowed me to take their pictures. And my daughter, Darcee, who always thinks outside the box created and printed signs for the pictures. One group of signs said "We Love Our Mom" and the other said "Bald Is Beautiful. Fight like a Girl". They each held a sign and through the tears I tried to focus and take their picture. I was not feeling good at all on Thanksgiving Day, but sucked it up and had my picture taken with them also! I'm so glad I did! I love those pictures!!!!!! Please do not wait until someone gives you a time limit on life before you learn to live, really LIVE, laugh harder and love deeper. And be thankful.

As Paul Harvey used to say....And now the Rest of the Story...

Now that you have had time to steam about the lady at the cancer society of america, let me give you the rest of the story. Friends come in all shapes, sizes and ages. They come out of the woodwork when you need them...and usually didn't know you needed them! I have bragged about my friends several times, and will several times more, because they need to see in black and white thier importance. And you know, if you read it on the internet it must be true! LOL My friend, Marty Sewall was appalled with the lady who laughed at me. And, since she is retired and has extra time, she decided to pay them a visit. She had very specific details on my experience. Armed with this information, she walked in and confronted the lady who was rude to me. Because of my description, she knew she was face to face with the lady. And of course, just like a child, replied "it wasn't me!" LOLOLOL BUSTED!!! is all Marty could think of!! She proceeded to give a detailed explanation of what happened to me. And even pointed out to the lady every detail I had of my visit. The lady was of course *choke* appalled that this event happened. Marty explained that she had to believe her friend, who would make up such a story. Well, in the end....Marty walked out with several hats and a styrofoam head for me! LOL! They really wanted me to come back in and they would take care of me. But Marty explained *I'm para-phrasing here* it would be a cold day in hell before her friend came back! LOLOL!! Friends. Blessed Friendships. They are priceless and precious! Be thankful for the friends you have. Sometimes we are closer to them than family.

Parenthood the tv show

Best line from PARENTHOOD.... "Guess I'm not SuperWoman." It hurts my feelings to know that I am not bigger than this, or that I can't sail through it without being normal and having symptoms that millions of others have had. I really thought I had some sort of larger than life legacy to my name. And I could laugh and smile my way through chemo. Instead, I have been humbled to experience the fatigue, upset stomach, numbness, metal taste, constipation, and a few other side effects. I welcome sleep every time it comes to take over my tired body. When I awake, my body has been blessed with a little more energy than it had before closing my eyes. Without a doubt, this Thanksgiving will be above and beyond the most special of all before. Friendships have taken center stage in my day. Family, which has always been number one, will understand how precious and important they are to me. I do not miss the hassle of Black Friday. Instead, I look forward to listening to the quiet of sleeping children early Friday morning. Children who have become adults, but still breath that steady breath of life I earn to hear. My heart swells with love.

Sunday morning..

Just a quick update for those wondering... Friday night the steroids kept my insides racing. I did laundry, started cleaning out my pantry, and paced a lot. Finally at 5:20 I turned off the tv and slept until 7:10. It really was long enough. My stomach churned all day Saturday. I got a wonderful nap in around 1 p.m. Until 2:30. Darcee and I drove to navasota to do a little shopping. It was a beautiful day to be outside walking. We didn't have any luck, but its always fun to shop with her. Saturday night I slept sound for five hours straight without any waking for a bathroom break or anything! So this morning I start my day feeling good! The house is quiet, my favorite time of the day. I look forward to thanksgiving this year. My children will ALL be her with me. Oh, the joy in my heart having them here together. I can hardly stand the wait! I hope as you plan your hoilday menu, you also take the time to realize how blessed you are. Not just that passing thought of life is good.... But really count your blessings and reflect on why that blessing is important. My list grows daily.

Soldiers at War

I am now four hours into my third chemo treatment. But I've only been awake the last hour. A warm blanket, pillow and Benadryl makes for an excellent nap! Several bags of soldiers have been pumped into my port directly into my blood system. From there I picture them forging ahead seeking out our enemy. As the cells start to divide, my soldiers will attack and destroying any chance for reproducing. Keep in mind, good cells are also destroyed. But that's okay, that's why I take the shots. As long as the enemy is captured, I will be happy. I will never be able to repay this army for the future I am planning on enjoying. Some of the cells I notice the most not working are those in my mouth. Those cells stop reproducing. Some times there is a strong metal taste. Sometimes there is no tasting any type of seasoning. I eat foods on memory. So of course I lean toward those with strong favors! A spicy flavor might burn my mouth but dang, it's so worth it! Over the next three days I take pills for upset stomach. And believe me.... They work! Never have I experienced being sick to my stomach. Which is good, I hate putting my face where my butt has been! At least without Clorox around! I have one hour and seven minutes left....I'm going to kick back and relax. My love to all!

Finding Peace, Serenity, Zen and then facing Idiots!

Early on there was a real need in my mind for me to slow down, accept all ahead and appreciate life. I love life!! But appreciating it, to me, was a different process. It involved not sweating the little stuff. Then re-evaluating the big stuff....was it "really" as important as I once thought it was?..? Usually, no. I found myself very relaxed...even in the HEB parking lot! Even at Wally World the few times I force myself to go there. I found peace in NOT racing for the empty parking place. I would pull out a shopping cart for the next person coming. Even leaving HEB, I will often pull my pickup out and stop traffic for others to get the heck out of there. On the few rare occasions I could see frustration in the drivers behind me I would pull off my hat and pat my bald head. Noone honked at me then! But, as you know even being healthy, you run into the Idiots. There are two occasions I want to share with you. The first one was recently at the hospital. I've mentioned the shots I take to help produce new white cells. Every once in awhile I have to go to the hospital and have blood drawn so they can see what the count is. If it is 5.0 plus (they take that times some large number, but it's layman's terms for us! LOL!) Then I don't have to continue with the shots. If it's less, then M-W-F shots continue. So, time before last I get called in, told to sit in the corner...(how many times would we like to tell someone that!!) and was asked my last name. I began to spell T-A-C-K-E-T-T...two T's at the end. This *choke* professional sits at the computer and pulls up my record....and then...her comment is "MY GOSH, HOW MANY TIMES YOU BEEN HERE". If you know me, I'm a strong person...but even that comment crushed me. Can you imagine someone hearing that who is really sick? I held my tongue because this same woman was about to take blood out of me with a sharp needle. I didn't feel like I was in a position to piss her off like she just did me. BUT...I did let my Dr know about it and a phone call was made. It wasn't going to do anything for me, but it was not a comment anyone else going in should have to hear. Instance number two crushed me even harder. I had been hearing that an organization in Bryan/CS had hats and scarves for cancer patients. Let's just call the company a society in america for cancer.. HEHEHEHEHEHe! I was early for my Dr appointment so I decided to go check it out. I pulled into the parking lot and sat there. I said a prayer to God to help me walk in there and ask for help. (This incident happened back when i was feeling great and had trouble realizing I was fighting a disease) I did have my buzz at this time and was "rockin" my black hat with the white flower on the side. I took a deep breath and went in...only to find no one at the reception desk...but her purse was on the floor WIDE open. I stood there until I could stand no longer. And then I sat and waited. And waited..and waited. I even opened and closed the door again, thinking someone would hear it. Off to the side was a closed door and you could hear voices and laughter so I know aliens hadn't come and taken the workers away. FINALLY....someone came out of room and I stood. She looked at me and said...and I quote...."what do you want?". Of course, I was shocked and hurt. I told her that I had ordered some hats from their website and since then had heard they had some here. I was wondering if I could purchase from them and save the shipping and handling. She looked at me, started laughing and said, "we don't do that here". She then turned her back and walked away from me down the hall. Knowing my mouth had fallen open, I closed it and left. When I got back into the pickup I sat and tried to figure out what had just happened. Not only was I hurt, I was furious. That mixture of pain and hate and frustration that others inflict upon you churned inside. The only thing I could think of was she thought because i have my eyebrows and eyelashes that maybe I was wanting to purchase hats for Halloween. Otherwise, I have no idea where her compassion was. I left the place and went across the street to Target. From there, I called the number to report what had just happened. The number happened to go to a central calling center. I told the young man on the phone what had happened and you could hear the air going out of his lungs. He apologized several times during our conversation. He was even willing to call them NOW and have me go back over. Of course I told him I would never set foot in that building again. But something had to be done because I never wanted ANYONE to ever be confronted like that again. I told him I was dealing with my cancer fine. But to someone who was struggling, hearing this woman address them would have been devastating. Again, in my mind, I have to think this woman didn't know my story and thought I looked good. But, she still should have been kinder.

Let's Get Physical!!

I know...it's been a long time since I posted. I truly wanted to several times, but that meant giving up a nap to type. And most days the nap was a priority. So, to catch you up.... My last round of chemo was changed up a bit. It took 6 1/2 hours and I slept through most of it. The Dr gave me some Benedryl for some reason and I slept and slept and slept. It did my body good! I think it was to help make up for some the tough nights of non-sleep I had. I didn't get sick at all. Only worn out. Saturday was normal, Sunday the weakness hit and Monday it really hit. I went to work, but left at 3:30 and went home to bed. Tuesday morning I was rested and back to myself. Unfortunetly, "myself" didn't last long. On Monday, Wednesday and Fridays after treatment I get a shot. The shot helps produce white blood cells that the treatment is killing. The side effect to the shot is aching joints. Ache I can handle...pain wears on me. This last round of shots had my body in so much pain at times I could hardly move. My body was that of a 90 year old woman trying to get out of bed, trying to walk, trying to not hurt. The shots build up, so as the week progresses, so does the pain. Last Tuesday I left work with tears in my eyes. I drove home and crawled in bed. Every part of my body hurt. My port, my incision, my back my hips and once in a while it would go down to my right knee and felt as if the next step I took, it would fly off my body. Today, the pain is subsiding. My last shot was last Monday, so it is wearing off and I am feeling better. Just in time for Friday, to start all over again. As for other parts of my body, let me tell you what I am experiencing. The top of my head....I have not gone smooth bald. Areas of my head are, but in other areas, the hair has stopped growing and is just the nubs of a buzz cut. About 3-4 days before the hair falls out, the nubs hurt...and sore spots appear. So right now, the top of my head has a bunch of red sores....OUCH!! I am the vehicle in front of you driving patting my head....pat, pat, pat...rub, rub, rub, ... pat...rub! My back....most of the pain is between my shoulders or my lower back. Sometimes into my hips. It is ache and pain. When you are sick with a flu bug, it wears you out when you don't feel good, BUT, you know one day you will wake up and it will be gone and you say "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, life is good again" But in my case it is day and night 24/7 and never a break. So it wears on me phsically and mentally. It got to a point last week when I was asking myself how much of this I could take....knowing there was more ahead. But those moments pass quickly. My toenails have flaked off also. Which, will save on nail polish, but also rules out sandals! Friday will be my third treatment. IT does not bother me to take the treatment. To me it is no long poison going into my body. It is now and army of soldiers out to defend me and fight the enemy. I picture the cells dividing and the army attacking so that the cells can not reproduce. In my mind, we win the battle. In my body, I will win the war.

Things I've learned - Part One

Part One, because if I don't learn anything else, then my journey has hit a dead end.  I'd hate to think there is not more to learn.

1.  Know your body! Be more in touch with changes.  If you don't like the answers your dr gives you, pay the extra $$ and seek a second opinion.  It could save your life.

2.  Those annoying forms you fill out telling when you started your period, number of pregnancies, ect..... Fill it out truthfully.  Then take the extra time to have your dr discuss with you the precursors that may have you fall into a category with a higher risk.  I knew nothing about the precursors until AFTER my first surgery.  That actually irritates me that I was that uneducated on my own body at this point in my life.  

3.  Chemo is kinder and gentler than it was years ago.  They have all kinds of meds to help prevent all the bad side effects of the drugs.  This is where communication with your dr is important.  He can't fix what he doesn't know about. 

4.  A cancer patient should never ago through their journey alone. PERIOD.  There will be rare cases when family is not nearby.  Then a church family has to check in and help.  Neighbors who offer should be utilized.  It took me awhile to accept help.  Help as simple as allowing Todd to drive me and go to appointments with me. Help as giving as co-workers bringing me meals.  I took those offers as a sign of my weakness in there eyes.  Not as a sign of friendship and love and compassion from them to me.  Once I realized I was not weak, this was love,I stepped back and accepted their help.  Accepting allowed me more time to rest.  And a cancer patient needs rest.

5.  I will forever be grateful and remember and will PAY IT FORWARD, the ones who send me little gifts of friendship and encouragement.  Hugs, stuffed animals, notes through the campus mail, Lil Debbie notes in the mail. Pink t-shirts! Hats with hair! Candles, candy, pictures of beautiful boys, notes, worry stone,, breast cancer bookmark, pink hats, pumpkin decorated with pink wax, lotion that nourish my dry, hot skin.  The list goes on and on and happens daily.  These are the things I will pay forward when my friends need it! 

6. Rest is good.  I used to think I was weak laying done to rest.  Now I understand it is a necessity to allow my body to recup.  

7.  Prayer. Or should it be the power of prayer!  Last week I felt on top of the world.  Most side effects were gone, my energy during the day was great!   I don't think me resting allowed that to happen.  I truly believe that the power and energy of so many people praying for me is sent into my soul and gives me new life.  For that I am grateful! It allows me to give the best of myself to those I love.

8.  Love.  Which is better loving or being loved....in my opinion you do not have one without the other.   Which comes first?  Being loved or giving love?  Reminds me of the chicken or the egg.  Lol

I'm perfectly happy giving love first.  Then feeling blessed when it comes back and touches my heart.

9. The best thing I've learned is something I was told about 17 years ago turns out not to be true. I was told that I was old, overweight and had 4 kids and that no one would ever want to be with me. It warms my heart that someone has wanted just those things! Lol! No, actually I found someone mature enough in a relationship that loves me. He loves the way I love my children and him. And that is the kind of someone he wanted to grow old with. Although he is younger, he is mature enough to not base a future on physical characteristics. He, got to know me, and love me for me. And that is one of the best thingsvive learned in Part 1!

Frisco Young Life Prays for Me!

I've often wondered how I have had almost 6,000 people read my blog.  But after meeting the Young Life Family in Frisco Texas it was alittle easier to see how.

Darrell, my favorite second born son, has been blessed to meet the youth of Frisco.  But I'm thinking as they get to know him, they will feel as I do, that they are the blessed ones.  Todd and I were invited to attend the Frisco YL fundraiser banquet this past Sunday.  Not only were we not going to miss this event that Darrell was involved in, we jumped at the chance to take advantage of me feeling good and get the heck out of town!!

It was a slow paced weekend....Next to the banquet, the highlight was probobly Todd getting to see the area where JFK was shot.  I've seen this spot several times, but it still haunts you that such a major event in history took place right where you are standing.

I was completely out of my "comfort zone" there.   In fact, school and home are the only place I feel safe to take off my hat and let the wind blow through my hair.  errrr, I mean buzz!!  But since I figured I'd never see any of the people at the mall again, I went in without a hat or scarf.  It's very easy for me to forget that I don't have hair.  BUT, when you see people looking at you, it comes back and slaps you back into reality.  Kids didn't seem to be bothered.  But adults would look and stare and make me feel uncomfortable.  In my mind they are thinking one of three things....1.  Do you seriously think that hair style is in....2.  You might have cancer.....3.  I've chosen an alternative life partner....(even though I was walking with Todd)!!!  It is hard on your heart to see people look at you like that.  It even happens at HEB.

Back to YL.  Darrell proudly introduced us to everyone!!!  If I had a dollar for everyone who said they loved Darrell or had prayed for someone like him to come to Frisco, I'd have 3 dollars!! KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!  I could probobly pay for my hospital bill!!  What a joy builds up in your heart when you hear total strangers happy to have your child around their youth.

There's all kinds of sayings I could pass on to Darrell...."Timing is everything" -  "God answers prayers than need to be answered"  -  "Love your job, because it's obvious they love you".  But the one that makes the most sense to me is:   100 years from now it won't matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in......what matters most is that I was important in the life of a child. 

I know that is a powerful verse.  I have been that person.  A few years ago I was lucky enough to have a child confess to me the abuse he was going through.  There was no doubt in my mind that he was headed to a life of distruction.  Either by his own hands or by his caregiver who was on the verge of destroying his life.  It was not an overnight process of saving him.  It took a few months.  But in the end he ended up with a family member that showed him the light of God.  Protected and cared for him in a way he had never known.  The best part...he still got to enjoy his childhood.

So to the youth of Frisco I say, "trust Der'L to show you God's Love".  He feels it deeply and lives it daily.  He prays for you daily.  He better be praying for me twice a day and three times on Sunday!! LOL!!  He fell in love at Frontier.  Not with a girl.  But with God.  He climbed a mountain and left all his worries on the mountain and came down the mountain in love with God and Jesus.  He came home to me a man lifted up to a spirit he had never known.  It is his desire for his entire family to have eternal life in heaven.  And now that he is with you, you are his family also.  Let him show you how great your life can be when you are a believer.

Thank you Frisco for keeping me in your prayers.  Because of them I feel stronger each day!

Let's Catch Up!!

Countdown to Friday!! My next round of chemo.

But, in the past few weeks I have gotten stronger and stronger. The weekend of chemo is very low key. Friday after I came home I was WIRED! My insides were racing for hours. I tore into dishes and laundry and minor housework I could do. By 11 p.m. my mind and body were exhausted, but my insides were racing. My dear friend Bethany suggested a heating pad on my legs. I put it under my calves and it felt great. I moved it up to my head and in seconds I was asleep...for two hours. I then woke up and the racing was still going on. Do you know how little good tv is on in the middle of a Friday night. Or it may have been my attention span was short....No! There was nothing worth watching on. So, when all else fails, watch taped episodes of Judge Judy!! I love the show! My favorite comment of hers is "Do you think I'm stupid? I can tell you that on my dumbest day, I'm still smarter than you on your smartest!" Nothing could be more embarrassing than that with 15 million viewers...unless it's the Jerry Springer show and you just found out you married your cousin and the wedding isn't legal and your 7 kids are the Schwann Man's!


Saturday found me in bed most of the day. My stomach churned and was hot all day and night and into Sunday. I had 4 nausea meds that I took as prescribed. So, come Sunday morning when I took the last of it, I thought I was over all of it. I had a craving for califlower so I steamed some with carrots for supper. Just before 2 a.m. I woke with the worst pain, (non-childbirt) I ever had. I looked like I was 13 months pregnant with triplets. I had a fear that the chemo was burning my insides. That's how severe the pain was. From that point on, I had no sleep. I walked the dogs outside. I piddled in the house. I tried to lay down and get comfortable and that was impossible. Finally I got up and went to work. I thought I was dying. I felt awful. After school I went to the Dr's office because I know have to get shots Monday, Wednesday and Friday to help produce white blood cells in my spine. Because you know, the chemo is killing everything good and bad. While I was there I told them about my pain. Actually, i think they saw it in my face before i said anything. Ends up, I had my first case of heartburn. All I needed was a little purple pill, Pepcid OTC!!!! Seriously?! Death was knocking at my door and I needed a purple pill! Go figure. After that Monday set back, life has been improving daily.

Of course, the best part of my day is at school with the kids. By the end of the day, my energy is null and void. I go home to take a nap and get up and do laundry and dishes and then go back to bed. But, the good news is each day I get stronger and sleep after school alittle less. This last week I actually did some work BEFORE laying down!!

But....alas....just as I am achieving my greatest strength....I head back to start all over again. But I will NOT have heartburn this time!!

Before I started my chemo, we met with the Dr to go over my scans. This was a good news/bad news meeting. Bad news is, the cancer did get into my blood system and travel to my spine. I have tumors on my spine, which causes back pain, that I have been chalking up to age and strain. The GREAT news is....ALL MY VITAL ORGANS ARE CLEAN!! And my heart is healthier than most of my age.

The chemo was planned for every week. But with the new evidence, a stronger plan of attack was made. That is why I go every 3 weeks for a stronger mixture. The hope is that the meds will take care of the tumors and any other questionable cells.
What doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!!

It's only hair...

You can say those words to yourself.  Others can say them to you.  After all, it will grow back.

But when it's finally gone, you are different.  You stand out in a crowd for all the wrong reasons.  Having no hair or when you are actually bald labels you.  People look at you with sad eyes.  You can see them do the math in their head.  Are you in the percentage that will live or die.  They start counting in their mind all those they know that are or have fought cancer.  Has anyone lost their battle? How many are still alive.... And then they smile at you as they walk away.  Then there's the children.  The ones that look at you and laugh and the ones that look at you and get scared.

My plan is to be brave and strong and proud of my look.  Because, it is so much better than the alternative.

A Quiet, restful weekend....by my choice!

My chemo treatment Friday was uneventful...although I really didn't know what to expect going into it.  Basically, I sit in a fairly comfortable lazy boy type chair and relax.  A pillow behind my back or head and I was good to go.  Several bags of drugs were pumped into me through my port on my chest.  Very comfortable procedure.  It will be a time of relaxation in the future.  This time I bounced from tv, to magazines, to eating a salad, to playing solitaire.  Never sure just what to do.

When the last drop was done, I got up, walked out and drove home.  By then, the steroids were kicking in.  I was washing clothes, washing dishes, folding clothes, walking the dogs.  It was hard to relax.  By 11:30 pm my mind and body were tired but my insides were moving forward.  I laid in bed with a heating pad on my calves and feel asleep.  An hour later UP AND at it again

I took the dogs out for a walk and then tried to find something to watch on tv. Nothing much was on. Sleep finally came a little after 4 am and lasted until 8 am.  I felt well rested.  The whole weekend my only complaint was an upset stomach. Non- stop.  Soup and 7 up never helped.  Another side effect started late Saturday night.  The bottom of my feet felt HOT.  Todd said they were this hot to the touch.  I just grabbed a gel pack out of the freezer and rest my feet on it.  Today my hands and feet are starting to tingle and my feet are still hot.  I'm thinking I need to set outside barefoot and let the fall air cool them!

This week I go in after school Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a shot.  Because the treatment I am getting is so strong, I will only have it every three weeks.  If I did it weekly, the drugs alone would kill me!  So between treatments it's shots.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger! So for now I will take advantage of the rest I can get in order to get stronger!

Love to all!

The first day of the rest of my life....

Two hours into my treatment and I feel the same as I did when I came in!

All I see going in is clear liquid going in...and I've had to pee twice already!  This second time I even stopped to ask if I was peeing my medicine out.  I was told "not yet". LOL!

Now I'm having a red concoction.  They call is strawberry daiquiri! Now I see why I will pee red/orange later on! Hehe!

The Quiet Warriors

There are many quiet warriors that I need to acknowledge.  One at the top of the list is Collier Construction, Todd's employer.  They have allowed him to be my chaffauer, nurse, housekeeper, friend and husband.  At the end of the day, as my body wears out, he is the extra set of hands that helps lift me up.  I will forever be thankful for the Collier Family and business for being my extended family and giving me this time with Todd.

BMS is my family.  For those of you who don't know, my family is 1000 miles away in Nebraska.  I have David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean here.  My family is small....dad, mom, brother, sister-in-law.  So, BISD long long ago became my family.  My family is FULL of sisters I never had.  These sisters are my warriors that share so much with me.  Because of them, I feel I am from a big family.

One of my little sisters scared my kids at school this week.  Michelle Catron and I have convinced our students for a few years now that we are sisters.  She of course is the younger crazy sister.  I am the mean older sister.  When Michelle is in "full swing", my favorite line is that mom let her out of her locked room again without her meds.  The kids giggle and will watch her antics the rest of the year.  This week Michelle was fussing at me for carrying books.  She took off her shoe and spanked me  in front of some kids! It was priceless! Until she left.  Then, the magic of being important in a child's life took over.  One by one, those students would come up to me and make sure I was ok...and find out if that was for real or was she joking with me.  It is moments like that that inspire me to be more at school.

I hesitate to start typing everyone's name, because I will hurt feelings - yours and mine- if I miss someone....but I do want to thank Linda Kocian for my daily hugs! Every morning she comes in and checks on me and gives me a hug to start the day.  Now, it's not that others don't check on me, it's just that it has been a positive thing for Linda to do this for me. It may be one of those "everything happens for a reason" thing actually.  You see, Linda does not like change and isnt always ummm shall we say "upbeat"....LOLOLOLOL....and this year got moved into a different room.  But, having her in this room has been super for me! I would never had seen her this much if she hadn't moved.  So for me AND her, this was a good move.

One of my favorite friends calls me 'Lil Debbie!  Ann DeBolt and I connected probably 14 years ago through the different departments at BISD.  I hope she knows how much she has touched my heart with her visits lately.  ( and the chocolate and home grown flowers didn't hurt either)

A unexpected hug today realllllly made my day! Connie Merten became a warrior a while back.  Through all this journey I would get words of encouragement from her.  Today, by chance, (or was it another everything happens for a reason moment) I saw her and got a HUG in real time!

Before I post this, and settle in for the night, I have to thank my God for Trisha Buechmann.  As I've said before, her expression is the one that sticks with me day and night as I continue my journey.  Today, towards the end of school she gave me one of those hugs that you feel from the tip of your toes to the top of your head.  I am thankful for this ladies friendship.  And she is happy I have two boobs!! GOTCHA!

Every Moment of Every Day

Living with cancer and it's treatments and the tests and shots and dr appointments is easy.
You just do it.

It's the mental part of cancer that wears you out.  It can easily overtake every thought of your day.  I am always thinking about how my children are dealing with it.  How my husband can always be there for me, so when does he have his "moments".   What changes will my students see that will alert them to my health?  Will I feel strong enough to get through each week of work.  Can I keep up with house work.  When will this pain stop, when did this pain begin?  Can I keep mylife fairly normal?

If you are like most women, you put your children first, job, husband, house, etc.....etc.......etc....

And never find OR never make the time for yourself.  If you want to live with cancer long enough to OUTLIVE cancer, you have to put yourself at the top of the list.  This change in priority is my downfall.  I have been told over and over and over again that for the next year, I need to put myself first.  It seems so selfish.  A foreign concept.  After all, I never had my first pedicure until two years ago.  That was a treat that I look forward to several times a year now!

It's time for you to find your time and schedule it into your day.  This can be as simple as a few more moments in the bath...an extra few blocks when your walking, reading the book you've been wanting to but not find the time for (might I suggest 50 Shades of Grey) ... Point is, find yourself some "me time" and use it!

So the Old Deb is back again,....*sigh*

That's the comment I got from my Crazy Horse this morning as we left for work.  He was being his usual helpful self, carrying my lunch for me to the pickup.  I tried to take it from him and he wanted to carry it....

My comment was, "I'm not lazy, It's not heavy, And I'm not dying, so I can carry it".  His face dropped and he says, "So I guess the old Deb is back again.  You're not going to let me help you anymore".  I quickly told him he could still help, I'm not fully recovered and my arm still hurts.

I never pictured myself not living to be 103.  So next Friday when I take my first chemo treatment I will celebrate the second half of my life birthday. 

I will have a scan next Wednesday to provide a baseline of the rest of my body.  My oncologist Dr feels strongly that there is probobly not any other places right now.  BUT, there could be a reoccurance in 5, 10 or even 20 years.   So we are going forward to try to prevent any chance of that happening.  Next Wednesday I will have a baseline scan of my torso to check for any other spots, but mostly to have as a point to go forward from.  Then next Friday, I will have my first chemo treatment.  It will start around 11 a.m. and get done around 4:30 p.m.  After that, it will be once a week for about an hour.  This treatment will be detailed as they give me drugs to protect my heart, (yes, they found one), bone marrow, help in not getting sick to my stomach....and all the other things that will provide me with a healthy life in the future.

BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!!

Hair loss is one side effect that the drugs won't stop from happening.  So sometime in the next 3-4 weeks, you will see me with a scarf or hat on.  Don't hate me because I am beautiful bald!! LOLOLOL!!! 

I WISH everyone had the opportunity to work at BMS for Mrs. Still!!  I could write a whole separate blog about her.  If there was ever a mortal Wonder Women, it would be Peggy Still.  Other than her punching me in my bad arm one day, she is Perfect!

Why do I say that now?  Well, she has agreed to let me handle my baldness on my terms.  I have a book fair in two weeks.  I am challenging the students to purchase 1000 books from the book fair and I will buzz my head.  Of course when announced, the boys go crazy, most of the girls giggle and a few of my "special ones who touch my heart" say NO!!  I assure them I will rock it with scarves and hats!!

It has been one of my fears that I would scare our students with my changes.  Mrs. Still pointed out that most all of them have already been touched by cancer.  And as we go forward and they may question my changes, we can introduce them to what a survivor of cancer can do!  So if it does hit their family, they can say "No worries! Mrs. Tackett still works and smiles and is ALIVE!" 

So on that note, as a I live the last week of the first part of my life, I rejoice in the friendships I've made in the last 15 years.  You are the ones that are sending me chocolate intercampus, notes, and flowers and dark chocolate and hugs and gift cards for meals and drive thru meals and meals delivered and HUGS and texts.  My heart is so full. 

My love to you all!  You DO make a difference in my life!

Parenthood

If you have the time, and the internet connection, watch Tuesday, September 25th episode of Parenthood.  I've never watched it before myself, but Tuesday night I came out from my bedroom and Todd told me the episode was us. 

I don't know the characters, but one couple finds out that the wife has breast cancer.  It is a very true, relate able episode of the emotions that flood you and your partner.  Have a kleenex ready! (maybe 2)  The Dr in the episode is a jerk.  With all the Dr's I have met in the last month, NONE were like him....he was createdto add a little extra storyline.

Today I head to the Oncologist.  I have my list of questions ready.  He won't go through them.  He will educate me and draw pictures and then if my questions weren't answered, he will.  I'm ready for this visit.  I need this visit to give me a mind-set and timeline of things ahead.

My heart is heavy at times....

If I am at home during those times, I place my head on Crazy Horses chest and cry.  Not bawl, just let out some tears.  The security of his arms around me tells me I am not alone.

When I am at school, and it hits me, you will find a group of us with red eyes.  One of the best comments someone told me is that I am "normal"  (Thank you Jessica, I love you!) she would be worried about me if I didn't have "moments".

My ARMY of protectors/followers/prayer givers/huggers/cooks/ increases daily.  And I am forever grateful for each of you.  I will say it again, NEVER underestimate how important your friendship is and your words of encouragement.

God Bless my boob, my armpit, the rest of my body from anymore.  But God, please bless my friends as they travel through this journey with me.  Without them, I would have hit a dead end weeks ago.

Bye bye drainage tube!

Wooohooo the pain in my side is gone. Not only does it feel better, it gives me a little freedom in sleeping and moving!

The pathology report came back with one area great and one area acceptable.  With the plan of attack coming, the area that was near the surface and acceptable should not have a chance to grow-now.  There's no saying it won't in a year or five years.  That is a very unsettling comment.

I have been labeled Stage 3 cancer.  I was really planning on a 2 because 3 is just close to Stage 4.  

Of course I got online and search for % of survival rate.  I didn't like any of the odds, so I went and played solitaire!  I do win in that game!!

I have a meeting with my oncologist Thursday after school.  Time for him to give me his outlook and plan of attack.

It was such a great feeling to be back at work today.  Something about a students smile can really make your day go better!  I still have to keep my arm movement to a minimum to give the armpit a chance for the skin to reconnect.  It is numb from just above my elbow to a little under my armpit.
Putting my deodorant on this morning was a comedy act of its own!  I was rubbing the stick in my armpit but couldn't feel a thing.  So I had to stand in front of the mirror to put it on.  I could see it going on but couldn't feel it! Frrreeeky!

Today was a great day to be alive!



Today was a great day to be alive!

How am I feeling? With my fingers!

This late afternoon leaves me feeling more alert.  FINALLY!

Wednesday night as I was laying in bed resting, i turned over and felt and heard a big POP.  Something somewhere on my drainage tube popped. Todd couldn't find anything broke or disconnected so that was good. But what was even better was it felt better!! The pain in my side was gone. Wow! What a difference that makes in my day when I'm not having to fight the constant pain.  The dr checked it over at the hospital and it may have just been a stitch that popped.  Whatever it was, i wish it would have happened two weeks ago.

Surgery went well. A large portion of my breast was removed. I have my fingers crossed this is the end of Willard and his offspring!

A mediport was put in just under my skin on my right side just below my collar bone.  It is very tender.  I'm not able to lift my Dr. pepper to take a drink, but I have plenty of straws!

Except for my chest pains, I feel myself getting stronger.  My heart feels full at times with all of this happening, but about that time I get a call or card or text from my army and the fear and heaviness melts.

I hope you all had time to call and book your mammogram today.  If not, Monday is just a few days away.... Make that call.

Dr. Says you need to choose Plan A or Plan B

Today was a follow-up with my surgeon.  Way to much drainage. He wants me to hold my arm against my body so that the skin has time to heal and reattach.  No exercising, no lifting, let my body heal!

Then we moved on to the fact that there is still cancer in my body.  Time to get it out.  At this point I have have a choice, PLAN A: go in and try again to have the cells captured PLAN B: or have a mastectomy.

I chose to go ahead and have him try again.  This time there will be areas of my breast that have to be removed and then sewn back together again.  There will be a difference in the size and shape after this surgery.

I chose this plan, not because I need to keep my breast to feel "whole" or feminine, but again, it is the least invasive which should cut back on side effects.

During the surgery, my Dr. Will put in a button under my skin for receiving chemo.  It has a line to go into my blood system for treatment.  The middle of the button is soft and made for the needle to be  enserted there.  I will have several months of chemo. That brought a few tears to sting my eyes.  I had way to much cancer in me.  And because of that, there is a high probability there is cancer someplace else.  That statement, whether you are ready for it or not, kicks you in the gut.  My head started spinning with that statement.

So surgery is set for tomorrow morning.  I will go to work until 10 and then go to the hospital to check in by 11.  Friday I will stay home and rest.  And then there's Saturday and Sunday to rest also.  There is no humor in this posting.  I guess this is the serious side of cancer.

I know I still haven't wrapped my head around the magnitude of having cancer.  I am blessed to feel great -aside from the pain in my side, known as a drainage tube-and so it is overwhelming knowing my body is really fighting something this serious.

But one of my amazing friends recently told me I was Not fighting this alone....I have a whole army fighting with me.

If you haven't made the call that could save your life yet, call tomorrow.  Get your mammogram scheduled now.  Do it for the ones you love.  Do it for the ones who love you.  Do it for me, because it doesn't hurt and it will save your life.  And I need you in my life!

More after surgery! All my love to my friends and my FAMILY.

Healing the mind, the body and the soul.....

Today I woke up feeling more like me than I have in weeks.  It was a feeling of  "normal" that I appreciated more than I ever have before.

Healing the Mind...

In my last entry, my mind was spinning with the news of another surgery.  It really only took a couple of days to accept that it had to happen.  It was out of respect for the medical field that I came to grasp the importance of having surgery and removing all signs of cancer.  Even though I really liked the idea of just leaving what was still in me to the radiation, the medical community does not like that idea.  They want all evidence of cancer gone and then begin the process of not letting it return.  And since they've been involved in this much longer than me, I throw my trust and boob into their hands.

Healing the Body...

This body has felt more aches and pains in the last week than I knew I would.  As I start to come out the darkness into the light again, I wish I had known what to expect more thoroughly.  It was after a couple of follow-up visits that I truly realized what my surgery had been like.  As of today, the drainage tube is still in and is literally and physically the biggest pain in my side!  And then there's the challenge of trying to find clothes that you can hide the drainage bag in!  Geeessshh!  What I never thought about was there is not a "natural pocket" for that drainage tube to be in...so at some point toward the end of surgery, a hole was put in my side and pocket was made along my side up under my arm and across to my breast.  The tube has holes all along it to drain the extra fluid my body is making to help the healing process.  The tube HURTS in the area under my arm and across my chest.  I can't wait for it to be out!  It was a kick in the gut when I was told I am still draining way to much to have it removed yet.  Some people have it 2-3-4 weeks.  I don't have that many outfits to hide it!!

Next, there is the constant numbness/tingling under my arm.  You can still poke me with an ice pick and I won't feel it.  Just under my arm pit is the incision that was used for the removal of my lymph nodes.  Flesh, enough to fill a large man's hands was removed from that area.   I don't think the top part of the incision and the bottom part line up anymore.  Plus it has a Frankenstein looking sew-job!  And on top of that is 50 layers of glue.  The glue is rough and rubs against the numbness of my arm.  I spend alot of time with ice on the area to freeze the irritation!  Today I started picking away hunks of dried glue.  I was hoping it would soften the irritation to my arm when it rubs, but so far no luck.   Because the dye never travelled to the lymph nodes (or so we thought) the Dr had to dig around to find mine.  Once he found the first one it was clear why he couldn't find it with the dye.  It was completely incased with cancer cells.  So were the next 9...in total 13 lymph nodes were removed with the last 3 being CLEAN!

The incision on my breast has healed almost to the point of being gone!  It has never caused me any discomfort so doing it again won't be a big deal at all.  Especially to just remove a few cells here and there.  If you have never thought of the human body as a miracle machine, you have never had a baby, or gone through a major surgery.  My breast was cut from side to nipple about 4 inches and layed open.  After removing the mass about the size of a hot dog bun it was closed up and stitched.  What I never thought about was the fact that after removing the mass, the two sides now meeting each other have never met before.  The breast "meat" was attached to the mass...take away the mass and the skin is just there...now being introduced to a new area of skin.  So the bodies way of healing is to rush extra fluid to the area as the two new areas "connect".  So now, my left boob is perky and full and looks like a teenager again....while the right one points to my belly button.  But, I've been told that as the fluid drains, it will begin to search for the equator also....*sigh*  LOL!!! At least one part of me is "young again" even if it temporary!

Healing the Soul...

and the greatest of these is Love...

I haven't talked about my personal beliefs with religion in this blog.  I have done that on purpose.  For one, this was my way of having therapy on my terms.  Writing what I was going through and my feelings about it without it being a Sunday School lesson to you.  And two, my personal relationship with God, is my business.  Sure, I get the irony of it...I am talking to you about all the other things going on, but not God.  That, is, correct.  I will tell you that my God is an awesome God and he has blessed me with life. 

Before I went to my very first Dr appointment I was walking my dogs....and talking to God.  I know you can't "make a deal" with God, but I did.  I told him I would take this journey as long as I knew he would be there with me along the way.  But I also told him that I would take this journey if it meant he would protect all the ones I know and love from having to take this journey also.  I would be glad to experience this illness if he would keep it from others.  I know the power of prayer and appreciate your prayers.  And I pray for you. And you.  And you.  I pray you learn from what you read.  I pray you never have to experience breast cancer.  I pray you treat everyone with the love and friendship you are giving to me now. 

And for that deepest part of my soul, where the love lives and grows....I'll tell you a secret...I've fallen in love.  Madly and deeply in love with my husband all over again.  The independent part of me has had to learn to depend on someone.  And Todd is there.  He measures my drainage tube cup and keeps record of it.  He goes to all my appointments.  Not just because he fears me behind the wheel, but because he wants to know what's going on and what to expect.  I have allowed him to open doors for me because I don't have the strength to  and hold my hand, not just to help me keep my balance, but because I want him near me.   He wants me to feel better and even made me take a pain pill this week because I hurt so bad.  He would be perfect if it weren't for the bedroom.  Oh, dear....there goes your mind!!  It is his snoring!!!  Even a pain pill doesn't knock me out long enough to sleep through the night.  But, I love him.  So for the things we do for love, I'll keep him as long as he loves me.

The healing of my mind, body and soul are all in line.  Life is good.  I am loved.  And feeling great!

Walking on the sidewalk beside the road....

It is not possible to stay on the sidewalk during this journey and never walk over the bump in the road.  That bump in the road extends to the sidewalk beside the road also.

Sometimes that bump feels like ant hill.  Sometimes it feels like a slight incline.  Today it felt like a mountain.  No more walking on the sidewalk and thinking I can get by the bump without climbing it.

The drainage tube is still in.  It is doing it's job of removing the "junk" my body is making.  Because it is still collecting alot of liquid, it was not safe to remove it.  Removing it would make the area under my arm collect the liquid and cause trouble.  So, I must now wait until Friday morning to see if it can be removed.

My appointment today was at 9:40 a.m. I didn't get into a room until 10:45 a.m.  I don't know if they overbook or what, but it sure caused my blood pressure to go through the roof.  That gave me a headache and the headache gave me an upset stomach.  They tested my thyroid to make sure it was working and the report came back that it was in the "normal" range.  Someone needs to inform these people there is no "normal range" for me!!! Unique--yes, Normal-- NEVER!!

I learned today that the numbness in my arm and under arm is probably permanent.  Because of the area in which the lymph nodes were removed was so large, the nerves were cut.  And as we know, nerves don't repair/regrow.  So it feels like a permanent withdrawal of Novocaine that never fully clears up.  The good news:....you could poke me with an ice pick and I won't feel it! LOL

The pathology report had come in, and the surgeon got to be the bearer of bad news.  Some of the margins were positive.  What does that mean?  Well, the surgeon removes the mass PLUS tissue all the way around the mass.  The extra tissue is to ensure that no cancer cells are left behind.  The surgeon marks the mass and corresponds those marks to the skin left in my breast.  That way, if the area he takes out is not completely clear of cancer cells, the pathology report tells him where to go back and take out more. 

And so, a second surgery is necessary.  Crazy Horse sucked air that was probably heard in the next room.  It was a moment that he was hoping to protect me from and couldn't.  It was a moment I wish I didn't have to live.  But in order to LIVE, I will live the moment. 

I will see my surgeon on  our Fair Holiday and see what kind of timeline we will have for the second surgery.  Thank goodness my underarm will not be touched!!  So the recovery time will be faster the second time around. 

My mind is sound and know what is going on, what needs to be done and to take care of myself.  It's my heart that breaks.  Having to tell my family that some was missed is really harder than telling them the first time.  My head and my heart are not in line with each other.  This is one of the times this blog does more for me than it does for you.  Until I have them both in line with each other, I don't want to talk about it.  You can read it....and know what's going on.

What can you do for me?  More of the same.  I appreciate the notes, texts, emails, stuffed animal (Thank you Kimberly), banana bread (thank you Tracy G) and thoughts and prayers (everyone!).  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with what is going on, what is coming or the numbness is driving me crazy!! But I love hearing from you! 

Tomorrow is Wednesday, September 12th.  And I am heading back to school.  I have the perfect outfit picked out to hide my drainage tube! LOL I hope to make it all day, but if I don't, I don't.  I have a family at Brenham Middle School (ie Sean) that loves me and wants what's best for me.  So I will lean on them if I need to.

Day two of no Willard..

I slept for three hours last night even with a pain pill. Woke up In the middle of the night and watched tv for a couple of hours.

This morning I was very sore, Especially under my arm pit. I swear the skin is mismatched and pulls. I'm getting lots of movement back as the day goes on.  Throat is still sore and other aches and pains have appeared, but it's all good. It's the road to recovery.

The worst part of the day was finding out my ex-husbands current wife found out about my journey and decided to call my family and tell them.  I'm pretty sure my blood pressure took a huge jump.  I still haven't been able to wrap my head around why she would find that her place to make that call.  She's damn lucky we are 1000 miles apart right now.

Willard has left the body!

It was a long day! And an emotional one.

It began with my surgeon finding us and telling me that Willard was 2 1/2 times bigger than had been figured. The MRI I did on Tuesday ended up being worth it. It gave the surgeon more information before going in and for that I am thankful.  Because of its size he wasn't able to go in from the side, instead I have a cut from under my arm to my nipple.

I also have a huge jagged one under my arm where he had to look for and remove my lymph nodes.  The cancer had encircled the first node so that didn't allow the dye to travel for the surgeon to map it out.

No eating or drinking since Wednesday night at 8 pm makes for a miserable day! I especially missed my pumpkin spice or island coconut or Nantucket coffee! So by 11 the headache was hitting. Add to that the stress, and the surgeon mentioning chemo the headache intensified! It was Turning into a migrane which caused me to get sick to my stomach and dry heaves. That in turn made my head hurt more! Vicious circle....

At 11, they gave me 4 shots of dye around my nipple...yes it hurt, but after the biopsy it was completely tolerable.   The dr then massaged my breast to get the dye moving.  I told him he could have at least bought me dinner first! Thank goodness he had a sence of humor....cuz he laughed.  The sweet girl in radiology both enjoyed my humor.  They said most patients are really stressed out and emotional.  Guess they don't have a rock named Sean behind them!

The dye never moved.... So after 345 they gave up and sent me to surgery.  Once I got there, the anathesiologist gave me some liquid Tylenol in my IV.   In ten seconds, it hit! It was like a nice glass of wine and relaxed me.  Relief finally.  She said it would hit me hard and fast since I dont drink....it was a good feeling so I may have to start drinking wine more often!

I remember waking up in recovery and immediately feeling to see if my breast was still there.  It was, so I went back to sleep.  After a few deep breaths and coughing I went back to my outpatient room.  More breathing and coughing before I could go home.  And, getting my blood pressure down . It was HIGH!

After all was good, we headed home! I came home with vicadone(sp) but I haven't needed it. I took half of one last night and the others half this morning.  I've been staying awake longer and getting more alert.

I have a sore throat (3-4 days prob) and a drainage tube that crazy horse drains for me.   No pain to speak of, just discomfort and puffiness under my arm with that incision.  My head spins and my stomach is upset but it'll pass. I have a sea sickness patch behind my ear to help with the upset tummy.

I thank my beautiful daughter for putting a post on fb last night.   She's right, I have enjoyed reading my texts and fb posts today!

Nap time!! Thank you for your prayers, pleases continue them as the future holds some tough treatments for my body and mind.  I KNOW I am blessed with a caring husband, great children who love their mom, and friends who I love and love me.  I loved all of you before Willard entered the picture, so now it's just leaning on that friendship for prayers and giggles and love.

Random Acts of Kindness....

Never underestimate the importance of a hug!!  or a quilt!!   or a rock!!!


Random Acts of Kindness are something we should learn to do everyday.  Even if it's letting someone into the flow of traffic.  It can be simple.

I have recently been the recipient of some random acts.

From total strangers with hearts full of love, I received a Prayer Quilt.  It is beautiful and I have used it everyday since I got it!!  I have never met the people who made it or the family that gave it to me....but the love and warmth is felt through their work and the words they shared with me.  After I use it tonight, it will be packed and taken to the hospital with me.  Thank you to those who put their time into making my quilt and all the others they have made and will make!  This was truly an unexpected gift and I love it!!

Today, left on my desk was a rock.  Not just any rock, but a rock picked out by a heart full of love and packed with prayers for me.  My Rock, (shall we call him Connery? or just Sean?) will travel with me to my procedures and surgery as a reminder of the family I have at BMS!  How thoughtful!! How LOVED I am!!  Now I have three rocks, Mt. Dmore, Crazy Horse and Sean!!  I am Blessed beyond words!

Thank you Trisha for your prayers and all the thought you have put into Sean.  You are a good person and God has blessed me with your friendship!  Rock On!!

Amazing following!

Since August 19th, I have 1320 views of my blog.....WOW!!

That is an overwhelming display of friendship to me! 

Thank you to you, and you, and you, for the time you take to read, sigh, cry, pray and change your depends when you laugh to hard.

The best of my life is yet to come.  This week is just details.....

Save the TA-TA's!!

The plan is, and I've been told I'm a good candidate for....saving the Ta-Ta's!!

You've seen  and heard the phrase if you have not lived in a cave, and have been involved with Relay for Life.

I totally respect the ENTIRE meaning behind the phrase now, more than ever.

Initially, I thought this was  great timing for a tummy-tuck ..... boob enhancement.  But it was explained that it is more important to do only what has to be done in order to ensure a Willard-free future.  The more unnecessary stuff you do, the bigger the chance of side effects.

So next Thursday will be removing the mass only....as long as the MRI shows no other invasions of the booby snatchers....ie baby Willards.

The "girls", "sisters", "ta-ta's" have never been my pet names.  Mine, are Laurel and Hardy and have been since I was about 15.  They are two of the most mismatched you've ever (and will never!) seen!  But they are mine!  And I am going to make sure they are around for another 50 years!

So with that, I will close for the day.  Encourage you to enjoy your three day weekend in anyway that brings you closer to the ones you love.  Laugh hard and long until the tears flow.  Love deep and full until your heart seams feel like bursting.  And live.  Live long, live smart, live with love.  Because you are loved.

Medically what's happening....

So now, back to the facts....

Fact is, I have no patience waiting in a dr's office past 15 minutes.

Fact is, I have to if I want to get on with my life.

Fact is, the surgeon had 1 minute left, or I was going to walk out and find my own surgeon.

Fact is, he came in just in time....Oh bull, my appt was at 9:30 and he came in at 10:44. One more minute and I was out of there!

For the last 10 minutes of my waiting I sang....LOUD....and this is what I sang....

do do do ...do do do do ....do do do do do...do...do .... do ...
dododododo......dododododo....dododododo..do...do...do....dooo


And each verse got alittle louder.   Crazy Horse sat in the corner of the exam room giggling and begging me to stop.  I think he was afraid he'd pee his pants.  (Just like what happens to Bethany sometimes)

Okay, I went to this appointment thinking it was just a meet and greet.  But it was actually a see and feel.  The surgeon confirmed I have a mass.  Oh, geeee....$125 appointment to tell me what I already knew.   Do they not read the charts?  Willard has been nesting for a year now. 

This was the appointment I lost control of my life at. 

This was the first day I didn't like.

School has just started.  I haven't even had my first library visits.  I LOVE my library visits!!  I love my job!! I LOVE these kids!!!  And now the dr is wanting me to miss school to get Willard removed.

I wanted to wait until the fair holiday.  Surgery on Wednesday, recover Thursday and Friday. 

OMG!! I thought Crazy Horse was going to come unglued!!  He wants Willard out last week.  The Dr agreed, waiting until the 19th wasn't that long after all the time he's been nesting.  But he doesn't do surgeries on Wednesdays.....there was a little delay in my thinking and reasoning as I watched Crazy Horse in the corner turning redder and redder and squirming and trying hard not to scream.

So, because this man loves me so much and I didn't want to put him through anymore than I had to, I caved.  I agreed to have surgery next Thursday.  And promised to stay home on Friday to rest. 

Crazy Horse began to breath again.  I begin the spinning in my brain of not having control.

Once you decide to have surgery, you have to do pre-op stuff at the hospital.  Well, I'm here so I might as well get it through my brain that I'm not going to get to go back to work and stay and get my pre-op stuff done now.

So I did.  Signed 4,293 papers with my pretend name, Anastassia Beaverhousen.  Hope they send the bills to her also!!

Did blood work, and and EKG.  Yes, I do have a heart.  But it only beats when I feel like being human to others....and after the wasted day, there wasn't much chance of that happeing. 

On Tuesday, Sept 4, I travel to Temple for and MRI.  As if the mammogram and biospy and ultrasound aren't enough, they want me to go have and MRI.

I've been told that when I get there, they will start an IV of dye....I will undress from the waist up...(If I had a dollar everytime someone told me that lately, surgery would be free)

I will then lay on a table and Laurel and Hardy will plop down through their own holes in the table and pictures will be taken of where the dye goes and doesn't go.  For 30 minutes on my belly with Laurel and Hardy hanging!

The idea is to make sure there are no surprises and the the right one is clean.  Gotta respect that idea.

Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse

It's only fair to explain how I see my family after sharing how I feel about my friends.  It came to me in a flash one day thinking about how solid my family is.  How supportive and OK we were going to be.

So you picture 4 kids of strength and love and devotion to their mom...they, are my Mt. Rushmore.  Or in the case of mine, David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean it could be Mt. Dmore!

The best part of them is that they are mine!! Nurished, loved, feed, groomed, and paid for!  They are mine!  And I have the stretch marks to prove it. 

Life has remained very normal at home.  Meaning, I still do everything!  I still do the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the folding and the washing and the ironing.  Nothing has changed.  And as overwhelming as all that is right now...it is what I need.  If I only do two loads of laundry, it's okay.  Believe me, they have enough clothes to go a few more days.  But the normalness of it allows me to know Willard is not the center of our day or our thoughts. 

Mt. Dmore is my rock.

And then there is Crazy Horse.   With red hair, fair skin and freckles, my husband is no indian....but I do drive him crazy.  And Crazy Horse is right up there beside Mt. Rushmore, so it's only fair that Todd is my other giant rock.  Although lost on what to do in the beginning, he has spent numerous nights online reading about Willard.  Going to the dr visits has allowed him to share this experience.  An experience he would call a nightmare....and I call a journey.  Each appointment allows him to feel like he is doing something to support me.  He hates my bullheadedness....my independence...my "my way" attitude,....my don't bother anyone I can do it myself  state of mind....but through this experience, I think it has helped me not cave. 

I've been through alot worse than Willard in my life.  The big difference is now, I have Crazy Horse to share it with.  I am not alone anymore.

They are Kind...They are Smart...They Are Important...

....they.....are my friends!

During the last couple of years, my friends have been my sounding board during some stressful times at work.  They have supported me, laughed with me, okay, laughed at me at times also, but have always been there for me!  These are solid friendships.  SOLID as a diamond.  More precious than gold. 

These friends were the ones it was hardest to tell about Willard.  To see the sadness in their eyes was heartbreaking.  BUT, they are now the ones who include me in their daily prayers.  Asking for a healing hand to come protect me.

They,....are Michelle, my sista, who checks on me every day.  And gave me a mug of Faith.  She hasn't seen me drink from it because I don't want to dirty it. So I have it with me at work sitting by my computer and I look at it all day long.

They....are Peggy, who comes into the library smiling....and I know something is up!! But she is only there to give me a hug! 

They,....are Jessica who leaves a post it note on my computer simply saying "I Love You"

They,....are Marty and Gayle who will ALWAYS be ready to eat ice cream with me and talk!

They,....are Monteen and Rachel and Hanna and Ann and Jessica (again), and Abby who leave me messages on my blog. 

They,...are Kahryn who actually uses the U.S. Postal Service to mail me a card.  (gotta make a mental note to give her my email so she can save the money)

They,...are Abby (again)  and Tammy who give and receive phone calls from me those first few days.

They,...are Debra and Nancy who leave me a love note and candy to let me know they are thinking of me.

They, .....are Trisha's eyes filled with pissed off anger after hearing my news.  Trisha is one of the Bestest!  And she is also praying extra hard for me this week!

They,....are every teacher that stops by and asks me daily how I feel. 

They,...are April and Nancy and Larissa and Linda and Grace and Shirley and Judy and all the others who stop and give me a hug because they need me to know they care.

They...are Jean Ann who holds my hands IN school and prays.

And last, but not at all,  or ever least, THEY are my two dearest friends, Bethany and Megan...whom I love dearly and deeply.  They are the two I text with in the evenings and tell good night to before going to sleep.  They are the ones I have peeing in their pants with my jokes.  They are the ones I want to eat Nancy burritos with.  And drink Starbucks coffee with, and get pedicures with the mean girls watching and fly Angry Birds on my fingers with until I am old and can't.  And when I'm that old and can't, I will Skype with!  Because I love them to infinity and back. 

They,....and a all the ones I've forgotten to point out are Kind, and Smart and Important to me.  Next to my family, these are the ones I love the most.

The latest....

After last Friday's Dr visit, I thought I was on the road to surgery this Friday.  But at 8:03 Monday morning (Aug. 27) my oncologist called with different plans.  He wants me to have an MRI done.  I understand the reasons why, just a set back in my way of thinking.

So now on Friday, Aug 31 I will meet with the surgeon.  Next Wednesday, September 5th I will travel to Temple/Scott & White and have the MRI.

I don't know who I will see after that.....

The Thing About Willard....

The thing about Willard is that he wasn't invited into my world.  He's a party crasher that has no sense of humor and no place on my guest list.  

But the good thing about Willard is that he has helped me to Prioritize life!  Forced me to start that Bucket List in my mind....I'm not yet ready to put it to paper.  I have no fear of my life ending in my mind.  That,  has never been an option....and after visiting with the Dr  today,  I was right.  But knowing this uninvited living creature is in me, growing and fighting to have the right to move into other parts of my body and do harm to me gives me more strength to LIVE!  

The need to love deeper,  laugh louder and have time with the ones that mean the most to me becomes an overpowering desire.  Positive energy that will flow throughout my being suffocating  Willard to his core.

The Dr today spent 50 plus minutes drawing, discussing, educating and answering our questions.  Phone calls will be made on Monday to try and set up surgery to remove the mass.  Save the Boobs! and belly fat. *UGH* The more you do to your body, opens up more opportunities for your body to have negitive reactions....infection, side effects...ect.

There is no proof at this time, but speculation that the lymph nodes are clean is a great leap closer to a healthy future.  This cancer is invasive, because it has learned to grow outside of it's "colony".  When that happens, it can enter the blood system and travel to other parts of the body in my blood supply.  Because it is "breast tissue" it really can't live other than the breast.  But that cancer part of the breast tissue can learn to grow elsewhere.  We will have more answers on it's successful or unsuccessful travels threw my body during/after surgery.

My Dr was glad to see Darcee, Dean and Todd sitting in my room waiting with him when he came in.  I know it wasn't a life lesson any 18 year old male wants to hear, especially about his mothers boob....but he kept his squirming to a minimum.  Once we got to the physical exam part, WHOOOSH....they were gone.  Even though there was a curtain and they would not have seen a thing.  I don't blame them!

Todd left the visit satisfied with our plan of attack and answers to his questions.  Maybe he will stay away from the computer for the weekend and give his brain a rest on the education of breast cancer.

I think I'll take my own advice and just relax this weekend.  So to all of you who are following me, know that my stress level is low, my knowledge is growing, relaxing is my goal and my heart is full of love for all of you!

The Phone Call....

Bless the Dr who does not wait until the end of the day to make the dreaded phone call to his patient!!

My Dr called at 9 a.m. with confirmation of what type of cancer.  Officially, it is called "Invasive Lobular Carcinoma".  From this point on, I will call it Willard.

Willard is a rare form of breast cancer, not usually seen in the breast.  He felt comfortable saying it was not seen in the lymph nodes, which is huge, because this guy would not say much at all during the biopsy.  So for him to say that, I felt comfortable he meant it!  Willard has an extremely high chance of spreading to my right breast....there is no telling when, but more than likely in the next 5 years.

I have requested Willard's pictures be sent to Dr. Cheruku here in Brenham.  I will meet with him after he has reviewed all my information.

For now, I learn how to enjoy life more, stress less, slow down and listen, and love even deeper.  My heart is healthy.....therefore let it bust at the seams with love.

I love you all.  Thank you for your friendship.  Your hugs, your love. 

How I got to this Point

Before I go forward with what I found out today on my biopsy, let me fill you in on how my journey began.

Late August 2011, I felt a bump on the top meaty part of my left breast.  It hurt and I rubbed it all the time.  It felt like a really deep bruise, so I kept my eye on it.  I figured I had bumped it during the time I was moving things around preparing for school.  At the end of the second week, it was still there, same pain and I made an appointment to check it out.

After the Dr checked and poked and moved she said not to worry.  Cancer does not move.  Breast cancer is a knot that stays put and mine could move all over with a finger.  Breast cancer also does not have pain associated with it and this did.

So, life went on. Ice on it when it was really hurting.  Live life!!

This summer  I noticed that my breast tissue started to dimple and my nipple started to shift to the side and invert.  I went to the Dr with cosmetic surgery on my mind....get the mass out and fill up the space it was taking up and things will go back in place.  Being told it was cancer was not a shock at all.  Anything that misfigures your body shouldn't be there!

The biopsy-otherwise known as PAIN in the boob

50 Shades of Grey pain times 100!!!!

Good thing I took Lamaze years ago, I had to call on those breathing techniques to endure the pain.  The whole procedure was pretty amazing. It just hurt.

First they did the ultra sound a little. Once they decided where to go into the mass, I received a shot to numb the area. Then a scalpel was used to cut a small area for the "gun" to be pushed in.  Now the. "gun" as they call it was very boring...a white tube actually.  The part that caused bodily harm was the Sonic-like straw attached to the end.  That is the part that is pushed into the mass...and beyond. The beyond part is what wasn't numbed...so when he pulls the trigger the "straw" shaves off a layer of cells and there is sample one.  I truly thought that my nipple was going to be sucked inside my chest and up the straw. Pure sharp pain. Now repeat that process. Now repeat that process. And repeat it again. And one final time.

It really made me sick to my stomach, kinda like when you give blood and then stand up to fast.

The dr says its about 3 inches long and it looks like it has lightening strikes coming out of it.   Actually pretty artistic on the screen.  Now we wait up to 72 hours.  They will call the lab to come pick it up.  They put dye into the cells and let them sits to see what they look like in a day or so.  I was hoping for Wednesday, but he seemed to lean toward Thursday.

Afterwards I went and got the worst pedicure ever.  A little uncomfortable because of the pain. But she was a newbie and made 4 out of 10 toes bleed.  No relaxation today. *sigh*

If you take the time to align the STARS of your life, you should know the answers before you go to the Dr.

For instance...My FAVORITE Movie is "The Family Stone".  I love the house!  I love the humor! I love the way the mom loves her children.....I love the depth of love between her and her husband.   EVERYTIME I watch it I cry, the last three times I sobbed!   So, there is Clue #1

Clue #2....David moves back to HOME, otherwise known as TEXAS in June.  The future wasn't as bright working with his dad as he had hoped.  But ya know what?  He tried!!  David is my favorite because he was my first born.

Clue #3....Dean struggles with what to do.  Play football at Trinity Valley or not.  In the end, it was not.  Then Blinn offered him a QB spot....to play or not to play....again, it was not.  I still struggle with wrapping my head around his decision.  If it was based on my health, it would crush me.  I hope that he truly is taking the first step in planning his future. Dean is my favorite because he is my last child.

Clue #4...Although Darcee has graduated, has lived on her own, has a job, and has a bright future...she is at home.  NOT where she wants to be.....but maybe now it is part of that big plan....hmmmmm Darcee is my favorite because she is my only daughter and third born.

Clue #5...Well, with Darrell, there were no clues for me...except I knew he has a direct line to God and would know what to pray for when I didn't.  There is huge comfort for that.  Darrell is my favorite because he is my second

Clue #6....My other son, (by another mother) Dallas Coleman.  Dallas has been Davids best friend for 12-13 years.  A lifetime.  Even when David was in Arkansas, Mississippi, Hawaii, and Nebraska, David and Dallas were brothers.  Knowing he is my son, we have always kept in touch.  So it was nothing when he called to "catch up"  three weeks ago.  We said our "love yous" and hung up.   Seconds later I received a text from him...he was afraid to ask me, but needed to know if I was okay.  Did I have health problems.  I smiled, knowing now I did, (keep in mind I have not gone to the Dr yet) but texted back, no, I'm as healthy as ever for a person who is 37 and a body of 50+ *giggles*

So on AUGUST 14, 2012 when I went to the Dr and he said you have breast cancer, there was no shock.  There was no wrapping my head around it.  My fear was the financial burden on my family...that lasted about 1 1/2 minutes. 

My next question was if I do nothing....what happens...??  3-5 years was his answer.  Well, I have 4 children, none of which are dating, married or have had children....so I needed to stick around longer than that.  Next the Dr said were the mamogram and ultra sound.

AUGUST 16, 2012
The Dr on Tuesday had gar-un-teed that I would have some answers after the tests today.  The people there were M.D.'s and they would give me answers.  Well, left hand doesn 't know what right hand is doing so.....
I got no answers.  The word suspicios was used twice....biggie wow, So I left there a little (okay, alot) pissed off that I had no answers and they just ran tests that I didn't need, because this mass is huge and it hurts like hell sometimes.  So there was really no need to take pictures for something we knew was there.

I was putting together the letter I was going to write when the Dr's nurse from Tuesday called.  She was totally surprised I knew nothing.  She had just gotten done talking to the Dr who looked over the ultra sound and mamgram and confirmed there was a lump.  DUH!

She was sweet and explained it was protocol.  Okay, on to the biopsy.  I scheduled it for Monday, AUGUST 20, 2012.  Same place.  After we get the lab results we will know what kind it is...(breast cancer is not just breast cancer....it can be a wide range of cancers that settle in our breast(s) and the treatment can begin.

Of course I wanted to know why I had to come up and do the picture stuff if we knew...and she explained that the biopsy is invasive, you can't go around poking into a boob (okay, she said breast) without reason.  Still don't understand if you can feel the sucker, you know it's there....but anyway....She explained there are 5 levels of confirming cancer....Level 1 is like a storm cloud in the distance, you need to be aware that things might be coming...up to Level 5 which is a full blown hurricane....so lets just call me Hurricane Deb!  I'm level 5 CONFIRMED!