This is why I LOVE my job....

Yesterday during a library visit a student looked at me...and their eyes opened big and round, as if it was Christmas morning and the exact gift they wanted was under the tree. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "Mrs Tackett, I can see your hair growing!" It was honest emotion from the bottom of their heart. And it made my heart pound with joy. These students have loved me all year. They have showered me with homemade cards, gifts, hugs and words of encouragement. And more than anything, acceptance. Not only for someone who was fighting a disease, but also for someone who looked different. This is my home away from home and I love it here. I love that they are not afraid to see me any way but healthy...without hair! LOL! Many have asked if my hair will ever grow back. And I assure them it is from the medicine, not from the illness. There is peace in their mind when they know that. They smile and nod their head in acceptance of that answer. And those smiles are what make my day. Until yesterday. Their happiness that it was coming back was a thrill for me. We learned last week that you can loose up to 100 strands of hair a day. You can imagine the fun I had with that bit of trivia!

The Plan

So where do I stand now in my treatment? I will do the next 8 weeks of treatment and then the plan is to have another bone scan. That bone scan will let the Dr know how things are going. It was just this last weekend that I finally wrapped my head around some of the thoughts that go with having cancer. I now know I will not be cured. The best that I can and do hope for is remission. You see, the cancer in my breast travelled out of it's area into the lymph nodes under my arm and got into my blood system. There it went to settle on my spine. It is not uncommon for breast cancer to matastised on the spine. I have three areas on my spine. There is also a hot spot on my hip and ribs. I have been aware of the spine cancer since the beginning of chemo. The hip and ribs were found during my last bone scan. But to be honest, I thought the chemo would kill the cancer and it would go away. So far, it hasn't killed it, but it hasn't grown either. That is huge!! One step closer to remission! There are so many meds available that I know I will be around for a long time. I do not feel that immediate need to make a bucket list....although I should get some things on that list just to have some fun!! My 1. on my bucket list will be holding a sign and posting it on facebook saying "My Dr says I'm in remission"!!

Normal.

For two days last week, I hated the word "Normal". I lost "normal" August 14th when my cancer was confirmed. BUT, being the bullheaded German that I am, I announced to my family that this information would not change our lives. We would continue to be "normal". Well, no one ever warned me that there is no "normal" anymore. We no longer have our "normal" life. And there is nothing about what my body goes through that is "normal". But, remove me from your "normal" and place me in my new "normal" and I am "normal". I know....I lost you! Well, after spending two days hating that I was not my "normal" "normal", I finally gained perspecitve on my new "normal". I realized it was MY 'normal" (for now) to be tired. Okay, wiped out is more exact. Many times I feel like I'm failing because I am not the old "normal". My new "normal" is exhausting. So let's catch up... Since December 28th, 2012 I have been taking my chemo treatments weekly on Friday. Some weeks by Thursday afternoon and Friday morning it take every mature thought in me to go to the appointment. Part of me just wants to play hookie and not show up. Be done. Go back to normal. Work a full week. Just do anything but go for a treatment. It's not that the treatment hurts. Although I don't enjoy the side effects....it is that by Thursday I realllllllly feel good. And Friday mornning toooo!! And then it starts over again Friday afternoon. I want n-o-r-m-a-l. I want to eat and taste my food. I want to be able to smell again. I would love to sleep only at night for hours, not just for two hours. I want the numbness in my hand and fingers to be gone. I want the hot flashes on the bottom of my feet to STOP! I want my stomach to be calm. And my colon not to spazzzz. I want normal. See now why I hated the word?! BUT, it was only for two days. I then wrapped my mind around the new normal I am in. The side effects I am having are normal for the meds I am taking. And, those meds are trying to save my life. So, although I look forward to the things I miss in my former life....I am extremely appreciative than my current "normal" falls into the guidelines of success!