And then there were 3!

The countdown to the end is here! Three more Fridays and my second round of Chemo treatments will come to an end.

For a few days my heart weighed heavy, realizing the end of treatments was near- and a new begining of what would start? When I had 5 left to go, I asked my Dr what happens after the last one? His reply, "You learn to live without seeing us each week. And you will". To be honest, that was a scary thought. I have seen him and his nurses more than I have seen coworkers and family! They are my net if I fall. I can't imagine not seeing them every week.

Then he reminded me of some of our talks about priorities in my life. Not worrying about the little stuff. (It's ALLLLLLL little stuff!!) In the end it works out, if it's not, it's not the end. All those famous sayings now come into play.

I told him, I don't have time to worry, he could do the worrying and I'd do the living. Call me when you need me! And he smiled.

I can't believe I'm so near to the end of this part of my journey. It gives me JOY that I have made it.

Before I know where I stand and if I can say I am in remission, I will have a couple of scans. The scans will confirm whether or not the cancer has stopped growing. He is also considering radiation. It was decided weeks ago that I probobly wouldn't have radiation because of the side effects. But now he is considering it. I told him forget it. I am tired and I want to rest. But in the end it will be his decision.

Life will never be the same again!

TMI...

It has been "suggested" that I give to much information. Especially pertaining to my tummy issues. I have thought long and hard about that....and even asked myself why I would share that information. There are a lot of side effects to chemo that I have not mentioned at all. Some painful, some private, some I'd like to forget. But I do not back down from sharing what I have written. This is a journal for me of my journey through breast cancer. I find humor in some of it. And in reality, sometimes you have to laugh about it or you will cry. The mind and body are very forgiving. The mind has a way of erasing some of the worst moments of your life, both emotionally and with pain. It is a protective barrier we all have. I also share some of things because with my cancer it is all internal. Sure, I lost my hair, but that is probobly the only outward change in my appearance. When someone is injured or has surgery there are casts, wheelchairs, crutches ect...to remind you of what the person has gone through. With cancer, especially mine, there is nothing on the outside to see. So when I am asked "how are you feeling?" and I answer "good", that means there are always things going on inside me that makes me not 100%. When I answer "I feel like me again", I really am feeling great that day!! Probobly 80-85% ME!! I guess to me it was an unwritten code that I didn't share with anyone. "Feeling good" means I'm getting there, but I'm beat up inside. This week has been a tough week on my stomach again. But the mouth sores are much better. I don't have much of a taste yet. My feet and hands have not been numb this week. That has been something I have enjoyed!! It's hard walking around when your feet are numb! I have had a bloody nose every morning for the last two weeks. It's not a problem just an inconvience. It comes from the skin in my nose being thin and no nose hairs! So everything I breath irratates my nostrils. It's little things like that that are daily reminders of what your body is dealing with. The body is an amazing machine! I have the most respect for mine! There was about 24 hours that I was upset with my body. I have never abused it. Rarely drink, never did drugs and all of a suddent it was attacking me. But through research I have learned that we all have cancer cells in our body. It's when those cells begin to bunch up together and grow that tumors begin. That can happen because of poor diet, injury ect..when the body can't heal itself. In my case, it was stress. the stress in my life, because of a situation at work, caused my immune system to weaken and attack. I was heartbroke to learn I would always have cancer. And felt my body failed me. But then I looked at it the other way, my lymph nodes, which appeared CLEAN in all my scans and tests were actually packed full of cancer cells and bad tissue. So, in reality, my body really had done a great job of protecting the best it could. I am taking a pill twice a day for my hot flashes. They have been cut by more than half!! And only a couple of times have I had them at night. That in turn has allowed me some better nights sleep! Which gives me some energy!

This is why I LOVE my job....

Yesterday during a library visit a student looked at me...and their eyes opened big and round, as if it was Christmas morning and the exact gift they wanted was under the tree. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "Mrs Tackett, I can see your hair growing!" It was honest emotion from the bottom of their heart. And it made my heart pound with joy. These students have loved me all year. They have showered me with homemade cards, gifts, hugs and words of encouragement. And more than anything, acceptance. Not only for someone who was fighting a disease, but also for someone who looked different. This is my home away from home and I love it here. I love that they are not afraid to see me any way but healthy...without hair! LOL! Many have asked if my hair will ever grow back. And I assure them it is from the medicine, not from the illness. There is peace in their mind when they know that. They smile and nod their head in acceptance of that answer. And those smiles are what make my day. Until yesterday. Their happiness that it was coming back was a thrill for me. We learned last week that you can loose up to 100 strands of hair a day. You can imagine the fun I had with that bit of trivia!

The Plan

So where do I stand now in my treatment? I will do the next 8 weeks of treatment and then the plan is to have another bone scan. That bone scan will let the Dr know how things are going. It was just this last weekend that I finally wrapped my head around some of the thoughts that go with having cancer. I now know I will not be cured. The best that I can and do hope for is remission. You see, the cancer in my breast travelled out of it's area into the lymph nodes under my arm and got into my blood system. There it went to settle on my spine. It is not uncommon for breast cancer to matastised on the spine. I have three areas on my spine. There is also a hot spot on my hip and ribs. I have been aware of the spine cancer since the beginning of chemo. The hip and ribs were found during my last bone scan. But to be honest, I thought the chemo would kill the cancer and it would go away. So far, it hasn't killed it, but it hasn't grown either. That is huge!! One step closer to remission! There are so many meds available that I know I will be around for a long time. I do not feel that immediate need to make a bucket list....although I should get some things on that list just to have some fun!! My 1. on my bucket list will be holding a sign and posting it on facebook saying "My Dr says I'm in remission"!!

Normal.

For two days last week, I hated the word "Normal". I lost "normal" August 14th when my cancer was confirmed. BUT, being the bullheaded German that I am, I announced to my family that this information would not change our lives. We would continue to be "normal". Well, no one ever warned me that there is no "normal" anymore. We no longer have our "normal" life. And there is nothing about what my body goes through that is "normal". But, remove me from your "normal" and place me in my new "normal" and I am "normal". I know....I lost you! Well, after spending two days hating that I was not my "normal" "normal", I finally gained perspecitve on my new "normal". I realized it was MY 'normal" (for now) to be tired. Okay, wiped out is more exact. Many times I feel like I'm failing because I am not the old "normal". My new "normal" is exhausting. So let's catch up... Since December 28th, 2012 I have been taking my chemo treatments weekly on Friday. Some weeks by Thursday afternoon and Friday morning it take every mature thought in me to go to the appointment. Part of me just wants to play hookie and not show up. Be done. Go back to normal. Work a full week. Just do anything but go for a treatment. It's not that the treatment hurts. Although I don't enjoy the side effects....it is that by Thursday I realllllllly feel good. And Friday mornning toooo!! And then it starts over again Friday afternoon. I want n-o-r-m-a-l. I want to eat and taste my food. I want to be able to smell again. I would love to sleep only at night for hours, not just for two hours. I want the numbness in my hand and fingers to be gone. I want the hot flashes on the bottom of my feet to STOP! I want my stomach to be calm. And my colon not to spazzzz. I want normal. See now why I hated the word?! BUT, it was only for two days. I then wrapped my mind around the new normal I am in. The side effects I am having are normal for the meds I am taking. And, those meds are trying to save my life. So, although I look forward to the things I miss in my former life....I am extremely appreciative than my current "normal" falls into the guidelines of success!