Normal.

For two days last week, I hated the word "Normal". I lost "normal" August 14th when my cancer was confirmed. BUT, being the bullheaded German that I am, I announced to my family that this information would not change our lives. We would continue to be "normal". Well, no one ever warned me that there is no "normal" anymore. We no longer have our "normal" life. And there is nothing about what my body goes through that is "normal". But, remove me from your "normal" and place me in my new "normal" and I am "normal". I know....I lost you! Well, after spending two days hating that I was not my "normal" "normal", I finally gained perspecitve on my new "normal". I realized it was MY 'normal" (for now) to be tired. Okay, wiped out is more exact. Many times I feel like I'm failing because I am not the old "normal". My new "normal" is exhausting. So let's catch up... Since December 28th, 2012 I have been taking my chemo treatments weekly on Friday. Some weeks by Thursday afternoon and Friday morning it take every mature thought in me to go to the appointment. Part of me just wants to play hookie and not show up. Be done. Go back to normal. Work a full week. Just do anything but go for a treatment. It's not that the treatment hurts. Although I don't enjoy the side effects....it is that by Thursday I realllllllly feel good. And Friday mornning toooo!! And then it starts over again Friday afternoon. I want n-o-r-m-a-l. I want to eat and taste my food. I want to be able to smell again. I would love to sleep only at night for hours, not just for two hours. I want the numbness in my hand and fingers to be gone. I want the hot flashes on the bottom of my feet to STOP! I want my stomach to be calm. And my colon not to spazzzz. I want normal. See now why I hated the word?! BUT, it was only for two days. I then wrapped my mind around the new normal I am in. The side effects I am having are normal for the meds I am taking. And, those meds are trying to save my life. So, although I look forward to the things I miss in my former life....I am extremely appreciative than my current "normal" falls into the guidelines of success!