Parenthood the tv show

Best line from PARENTHOOD.... "Guess I'm not SuperWoman." It hurts my feelings to know that I am not bigger than this, or that I can't sail through it without being normal and having symptoms that millions of others have had. I really thought I had some sort of larger than life legacy to my name. And I could laugh and smile my way through chemo. Instead, I have been humbled to experience the fatigue, upset stomach, numbness, metal taste, constipation, and a few other side effects. I welcome sleep every time it comes to take over my tired body. When I awake, my body has been blessed with a little more energy than it had before closing my eyes. Without a doubt, this Thanksgiving will be above and beyond the most special of all before. Friendships have taken center stage in my day. Family, which has always been number one, will understand how precious and important they are to me. I do not miss the hassle of Black Friday. Instead, I look forward to listening to the quiet of sleeping children early Friday morning. Children who have become adults, but still breath that steady breath of life I earn to hear. My heart swells with love.

Sunday morning..

Just a quick update for those wondering... Friday night the steroids kept my insides racing. I did laundry, started cleaning out my pantry, and paced a lot. Finally at 5:20 I turned off the tv and slept until 7:10. It really was long enough. My stomach churned all day Saturday. I got a wonderful nap in around 1 p.m. Until 2:30. Darcee and I drove to navasota to do a little shopping. It was a beautiful day to be outside walking. We didn't have any luck, but its always fun to shop with her. Saturday night I slept sound for five hours straight without any waking for a bathroom break or anything! So this morning I start my day feeling good! The house is quiet, my favorite time of the day. I look forward to thanksgiving this year. My children will ALL be her with me. Oh, the joy in my heart having them here together. I can hardly stand the wait! I hope as you plan your hoilday menu, you also take the time to realize how blessed you are. Not just that passing thought of life is good.... But really count your blessings and reflect on why that blessing is important. My list grows daily.

Soldiers at War

I am now four hours into my third chemo treatment. But I've only been awake the last hour. A warm blanket, pillow and Benadryl makes for an excellent nap! Several bags of soldiers have been pumped into my port directly into my blood system. From there I picture them forging ahead seeking out our enemy. As the cells start to divide, my soldiers will attack and destroying any chance for reproducing. Keep in mind, good cells are also destroyed. But that's okay, that's why I take the shots. As long as the enemy is captured, I will be happy. I will never be able to repay this army for the future I am planning on enjoying. Some of the cells I notice the most not working are those in my mouth. Those cells stop reproducing. Some times there is a strong metal taste. Sometimes there is no tasting any type of seasoning. I eat foods on memory. So of course I lean toward those with strong favors! A spicy flavor might burn my mouth but dang, it's so worth it! Over the next three days I take pills for upset stomach. And believe me.... They work! Never have I experienced being sick to my stomach. Which is good, I hate putting my face where my butt has been! At least without Clorox around! I have one hour and seven minutes left....I'm going to kick back and relax. My love to all!

Finding Peace, Serenity, Zen and then facing Idiots!

Early on there was a real need in my mind for me to slow down, accept all ahead and appreciate life. I love life!! But appreciating it, to me, was a different process. It involved not sweating the little stuff. Then re-evaluating the big stuff....was it "really" as important as I once thought it was?..? Usually, no. I found myself very relaxed...even in the HEB parking lot! Even at Wally World the few times I force myself to go there. I found peace in NOT racing for the empty parking place. I would pull out a shopping cart for the next person coming. Even leaving HEB, I will often pull my pickup out and stop traffic for others to get the heck out of there. On the few rare occasions I could see frustration in the drivers behind me I would pull off my hat and pat my bald head. Noone honked at me then! But, as you know even being healthy, you run into the Idiots. There are two occasions I want to share with you. The first one was recently at the hospital. I've mentioned the shots I take to help produce new white cells. Every once in awhile I have to go to the hospital and have blood drawn so they can see what the count is. If it is 5.0 plus (they take that times some large number, but it's layman's terms for us! LOL!) Then I don't have to continue with the shots. If it's less, then M-W-F shots continue. So, time before last I get called in, told to sit in the corner...(how many times would we like to tell someone that!!) and was asked my last name. I began to spell T-A-C-K-E-T-T...two T's at the end. This *choke* professional sits at the computer and pulls up my record....and then...her comment is "MY GOSH, HOW MANY TIMES YOU BEEN HERE". If you know me, I'm a strong person...but even that comment crushed me. Can you imagine someone hearing that who is really sick? I held my tongue because this same woman was about to take blood out of me with a sharp needle. I didn't feel like I was in a position to piss her off like she just did me. BUT...I did let my Dr know about it and a phone call was made. It wasn't going to do anything for me, but it was not a comment anyone else going in should have to hear. Instance number two crushed me even harder. I had been hearing that an organization in Bryan/CS had hats and scarves for cancer patients. Let's just call the company a society in america for cancer.. HEHEHEHEHEHe! I was early for my Dr appointment so I decided to go check it out. I pulled into the parking lot and sat there. I said a prayer to God to help me walk in there and ask for help. (This incident happened back when i was feeling great and had trouble realizing I was fighting a disease) I did have my buzz at this time and was "rockin" my black hat with the white flower on the side. I took a deep breath and went in...only to find no one at the reception desk...but her purse was on the floor WIDE open. I stood there until I could stand no longer. And then I sat and waited. And waited..and waited. I even opened and closed the door again, thinking someone would hear it. Off to the side was a closed door and you could hear voices and laughter so I know aliens hadn't come and taken the workers away. FINALLY....someone came out of room and I stood. She looked at me and said...and I quote...."what do you want?". Of course, I was shocked and hurt. I told her that I had ordered some hats from their website and since then had heard they had some here. I was wondering if I could purchase from them and save the shipping and handling. She looked at me, started laughing and said, "we don't do that here". She then turned her back and walked away from me down the hall. Knowing my mouth had fallen open, I closed it and left. When I got back into the pickup I sat and tried to figure out what had just happened. Not only was I hurt, I was furious. That mixture of pain and hate and frustration that others inflict upon you churned inside. The only thing I could think of was she thought because i have my eyebrows and eyelashes that maybe I was wanting to purchase hats for Halloween. Otherwise, I have no idea where her compassion was. I left the place and went across the street to Target. From there, I called the number to report what had just happened. The number happened to go to a central calling center. I told the young man on the phone what had happened and you could hear the air going out of his lungs. He apologized several times during our conversation. He was even willing to call them NOW and have me go back over. Of course I told him I would never set foot in that building again. But something had to be done because I never wanted ANYONE to ever be confronted like that again. I told him I was dealing with my cancer fine. But to someone who was struggling, hearing this woman address them would have been devastating. Again, in my mind, I have to think this woman didn't know my story and thought I looked good. But, she still should have been kinder.

Let's Get Physical!!

I know...it's been a long time since I posted. I truly wanted to several times, but that meant giving up a nap to type. And most days the nap was a priority. So, to catch you up.... My last round of chemo was changed up a bit. It took 6 1/2 hours and I slept through most of it. The Dr gave me some Benedryl for some reason and I slept and slept and slept. It did my body good! I think it was to help make up for some the tough nights of non-sleep I had. I didn't get sick at all. Only worn out. Saturday was normal, Sunday the weakness hit and Monday it really hit. I went to work, but left at 3:30 and went home to bed. Tuesday morning I was rested and back to myself. Unfortunetly, "myself" didn't last long. On Monday, Wednesday and Fridays after treatment I get a shot. The shot helps produce white blood cells that the treatment is killing. The side effect to the shot is aching joints. Ache I can handle...pain wears on me. This last round of shots had my body in so much pain at times I could hardly move. My body was that of a 90 year old woman trying to get out of bed, trying to walk, trying to not hurt. The shots build up, so as the week progresses, so does the pain. Last Tuesday I left work with tears in my eyes. I drove home and crawled in bed. Every part of my body hurt. My port, my incision, my back my hips and once in a while it would go down to my right knee and felt as if the next step I took, it would fly off my body. Today, the pain is subsiding. My last shot was last Monday, so it is wearing off and I am feeling better. Just in time for Friday, to start all over again. As for other parts of my body, let me tell you what I am experiencing. The top of my head....I have not gone smooth bald. Areas of my head are, but in other areas, the hair has stopped growing and is just the nubs of a buzz cut. About 3-4 days before the hair falls out, the nubs hurt...and sore spots appear. So right now, the top of my head has a bunch of red sores....OUCH!! I am the vehicle in front of you driving patting my head....pat, pat, pat...rub, rub, rub, ... pat...rub! My back....most of the pain is between my shoulders or my lower back. Sometimes into my hips. It is ache and pain. When you are sick with a flu bug, it wears you out when you don't feel good, BUT, you know one day you will wake up and it will be gone and you say "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, life is good again" But in my case it is day and night 24/7 and never a break. So it wears on me phsically and mentally. It got to a point last week when I was asking myself how much of this I could take....knowing there was more ahead. But those moments pass quickly. My toenails have flaked off also. Which, will save on nail polish, but also rules out sandals! Friday will be my third treatment. IT does not bother me to take the treatment. To me it is no long poison going into my body. It is now and army of soldiers out to defend me and fight the enemy. I picture the cells dividing and the army attacking so that the cells can not reproduce. In my mind, we win the battle. In my body, I will win the war.

Things I've learned - Part One

Part One, because if I don't learn anything else, then my journey has hit a dead end.  I'd hate to think there is not more to learn.

1.  Know your body! Be more in touch with changes.  If you don't like the answers your dr gives you, pay the extra $$ and seek a second opinion.  It could save your life.

2.  Those annoying forms you fill out telling when you started your period, number of pregnancies, ect..... Fill it out truthfully.  Then take the extra time to have your dr discuss with you the precursors that may have you fall into a category with a higher risk.  I knew nothing about the precursors until AFTER my first surgery.  That actually irritates me that I was that uneducated on my own body at this point in my life.  

3.  Chemo is kinder and gentler than it was years ago.  They have all kinds of meds to help prevent all the bad side effects of the drugs.  This is where communication with your dr is important.  He can't fix what he doesn't know about. 

4.  A cancer patient should never ago through their journey alone. PERIOD.  There will be rare cases when family is not nearby.  Then a church family has to check in and help.  Neighbors who offer should be utilized.  It took me awhile to accept help.  Help as simple as allowing Todd to drive me and go to appointments with me. Help as giving as co-workers bringing me meals.  I took those offers as a sign of my weakness in there eyes.  Not as a sign of friendship and love and compassion from them to me.  Once I realized I was not weak, this was love,I stepped back and accepted their help.  Accepting allowed me more time to rest.  And a cancer patient needs rest.

5.  I will forever be grateful and remember and will PAY IT FORWARD, the ones who send me little gifts of friendship and encouragement.  Hugs, stuffed animals, notes through the campus mail, Lil Debbie notes in the mail. Pink t-shirts! Hats with hair! Candles, candy, pictures of beautiful boys, notes, worry stone,, breast cancer bookmark, pink hats, pumpkin decorated with pink wax, lotion that nourish my dry, hot skin.  The list goes on and on and happens daily.  These are the things I will pay forward when my friends need it! 

6. Rest is good.  I used to think I was weak laying done to rest.  Now I understand it is a necessity to allow my body to recup.  

7.  Prayer. Or should it be the power of prayer!  Last week I felt on top of the world.  Most side effects were gone, my energy during the day was great!   I don't think me resting allowed that to happen.  I truly believe that the power and energy of so many people praying for me is sent into my soul and gives me new life.  For that I am grateful! It allows me to give the best of myself to those I love.

8.  Love.  Which is better loving or being loved....in my opinion you do not have one without the other.   Which comes first?  Being loved or giving love?  Reminds me of the chicken or the egg.  Lol

I'm perfectly happy giving love first.  Then feeling blessed when it comes back and touches my heart.

9. The best thing I've learned is something I was told about 17 years ago turns out not to be true. I was told that I was old, overweight and had 4 kids and that no one would ever want to be with me. It warms my heart that someone has wanted just those things! Lol! No, actually I found someone mature enough in a relationship that loves me. He loves the way I love my children and him. And that is the kind of someone he wanted to grow old with. Although he is younger, he is mature enough to not base a future on physical characteristics. He, got to know me, and love me for me. And that is one of the best thingsvive learned in Part 1!

Frisco Young Life Prays for Me!

I've often wondered how I have had almost 6,000 people read my blog.  But after meeting the Young Life Family in Frisco Texas it was alittle easier to see how.

Darrell, my favorite second born son, has been blessed to meet the youth of Frisco.  But I'm thinking as they get to know him, they will feel as I do, that they are the blessed ones.  Todd and I were invited to attend the Frisco YL fundraiser banquet this past Sunday.  Not only were we not going to miss this event that Darrell was involved in, we jumped at the chance to take advantage of me feeling good and get the heck out of town!!

It was a slow paced weekend....Next to the banquet, the highlight was probobly Todd getting to see the area where JFK was shot.  I've seen this spot several times, but it still haunts you that such a major event in history took place right where you are standing.

I was completely out of my "comfort zone" there.   In fact, school and home are the only place I feel safe to take off my hat and let the wind blow through my hair.  errrr, I mean buzz!!  But since I figured I'd never see any of the people at the mall again, I went in without a hat or scarf.  It's very easy for me to forget that I don't have hair.  BUT, when you see people looking at you, it comes back and slaps you back into reality.  Kids didn't seem to be bothered.  But adults would look and stare and make me feel uncomfortable.  In my mind they are thinking one of three things....1.  Do you seriously think that hair style is in....2.  You might have cancer.....3.  I've chosen an alternative life partner....(even though I was walking with Todd)!!!  It is hard on your heart to see people look at you like that.  It even happens at HEB.

Back to YL.  Darrell proudly introduced us to everyone!!!  If I had a dollar for everyone who said they loved Darrell or had prayed for someone like him to come to Frisco, I'd have 3 dollars!! KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!  I could probobly pay for my hospital bill!!  What a joy builds up in your heart when you hear total strangers happy to have your child around their youth.

There's all kinds of sayings I could pass on to Darrell...."Timing is everything" -  "God answers prayers than need to be answered"  -  "Love your job, because it's obvious they love you".  But the one that makes the most sense to me is:   100 years from now it won't matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in......what matters most is that I was important in the life of a child. 

I know that is a powerful verse.  I have been that person.  A few years ago I was lucky enough to have a child confess to me the abuse he was going through.  There was no doubt in my mind that he was headed to a life of distruction.  Either by his own hands or by his caregiver who was on the verge of destroying his life.  It was not an overnight process of saving him.  It took a few months.  But in the end he ended up with a family member that showed him the light of God.  Protected and cared for him in a way he had never known.  The best part...he still got to enjoy his childhood.

So to the youth of Frisco I say, "trust Der'L to show you God's Love".  He feels it deeply and lives it daily.  He prays for you daily.  He better be praying for me twice a day and three times on Sunday!! LOL!!  He fell in love at Frontier.  Not with a girl.  But with God.  He climbed a mountain and left all his worries on the mountain and came down the mountain in love with God and Jesus.  He came home to me a man lifted up to a spirit he had never known.  It is his desire for his entire family to have eternal life in heaven.  And now that he is with you, you are his family also.  Let him show you how great your life can be when you are a believer.

Thank you Frisco for keeping me in your prayers.  Because of them I feel stronger each day!