It was a long day! And an emotional one.
It began with my surgeon finding us and telling me that Willard was 2 1/2 times bigger than had been figured. The MRI I did on Tuesday ended up being worth it. It gave the surgeon more information before going in and for that I am thankful. Because of its size he wasn't able to go in from the side, instead I have a cut from under my arm to my nipple.
I also have a huge jagged one under my arm where he had to look for and remove my lymph nodes. The cancer had encircled the first node so that didn't allow the dye to travel for the surgeon to map it out.
No eating or drinking since Wednesday night at 8 pm makes for a miserable day! I especially missed my pumpkin spice or island coconut or Nantucket coffee! So by 11 the headache was hitting. Add to that the stress, and the surgeon mentioning chemo the headache intensified! It was Turning into a migrane which caused me to get sick to my stomach and dry heaves. That in turn made my head hurt more! Vicious circle....
At 11, they gave me 4 shots of dye around my nipple...yes it hurt, but after the biopsy it was completely tolerable. The dr then massaged my breast to get the dye moving. I told him he could have at least bought me dinner first! Thank goodness he had a sence of humor....cuz he laughed. The sweet girl in radiology both enjoyed my humor. They said most patients are really stressed out and emotional. Guess they don't have a rock named Sean behind them!
The dye never moved.... So after 345 they gave up and sent me to surgery. Once I got there, the anathesiologist gave me some liquid Tylenol in my IV. In ten seconds, it hit! It was like a nice glass of wine and relaxed me. Relief finally. She said it would hit me hard and fast since I dont drink....it was a good feeling so I may have to start drinking wine more often!
I remember waking up in recovery and immediately feeling to see if my breast was still there. It was, so I went back to sleep. After a few deep breaths and coughing I went back to my outpatient room. More breathing and coughing before I could go home. And, getting my blood pressure down . It was HIGH!
After all was good, we headed home! I came home with vicadone(sp) but I haven't needed it. I took half of one last night and the others half this morning. I've been staying awake longer and getting more alert.
I have a sore throat (3-4 days prob) and a drainage tube that crazy horse drains for me. No pain to speak of, just discomfort and puffiness under my arm with that incision. My head spins and my stomach is upset but it'll pass. I have a sea sickness patch behind my ear to help with the upset tummy.
I thank my beautiful daughter for putting a post on fb last night. She's right, I have enjoyed reading my texts and fb posts today!
Nap time!! Thank you for your prayers, pleases continue them as the future holds some tough treatments for my body and mind. I KNOW I am blessed with a caring husband, great children who love their mom, and friends who I love and love me. I loved all of you before Willard entered the picture, so now it's just leaning on that friendship for prayers and giggles and love.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Random Acts of Kindness....
Never underestimate the importance of a hug!! or a quilt!! or a rock!!!
Random Acts of Kindness are something we should learn to do everyday. Even if it's letting someone into the flow of traffic. It can be simple.
I have recently been the recipient of some random acts.
From total strangers with hearts full of love, I received a Prayer Quilt. It is beautiful and I have used it everyday since I got it!! I have never met the people who made it or the family that gave it to me....but the love and warmth is felt through their work and the words they shared with me. After I use it tonight, it will be packed and taken to the hospital with me. Thank you to those who put their time into making my quilt and all the others they have made and will make! This was truly an unexpected gift and I love it!!
Today, left on my desk was a rock. Not just any rock, but a rock picked out by a heart full of love and packed with prayers for me. My Rock, (shall we call him Connery? or just Sean?) will travel with me to my procedures and surgery as a reminder of the family I have at BMS! How thoughtful!! How LOVED I am!! Now I have three rocks, Mt. Dmore, Crazy Horse and Sean!! I am Blessed beyond words!
Thank you Trisha for your prayers and all the thought you have put into Sean. You are a good person and God has blessed me with your friendship! Rock On!!
Random Acts of Kindness are something we should learn to do everyday. Even if it's letting someone into the flow of traffic. It can be simple.
I have recently been the recipient of some random acts.
From total strangers with hearts full of love, I received a Prayer Quilt. It is beautiful and I have used it everyday since I got it!! I have never met the people who made it or the family that gave it to me....but the love and warmth is felt through their work and the words they shared with me. After I use it tonight, it will be packed and taken to the hospital with me. Thank you to those who put their time into making my quilt and all the others they have made and will make! This was truly an unexpected gift and I love it!!
Today, left on my desk was a rock. Not just any rock, but a rock picked out by a heart full of love and packed with prayers for me. My Rock, (shall we call him Connery? or just Sean?) will travel with me to my procedures and surgery as a reminder of the family I have at BMS! How thoughtful!! How LOVED I am!! Now I have three rocks, Mt. Dmore, Crazy Horse and Sean!! I am Blessed beyond words!
Thank you Trisha for your prayers and all the thought you have put into Sean. You are a good person and God has blessed me with your friendship! Rock On!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Amazing following!
Since August 19th, I have 1320 views of my blog.....WOW!!
That is an overwhelming display of friendship to me!
Thank you to you, and you, and you, for the time you take to read, sigh, cry, pray and change your depends when you laugh to hard.
The best of my life is yet to come. This week is just details.....
That is an overwhelming display of friendship to me!
Thank you to you, and you, and you, for the time you take to read, sigh, cry, pray and change your depends when you laugh to hard.
The best of my life is yet to come. This week is just details.....
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Save the TA-TA's!!
The plan is, and I've been told I'm a good candidate for....saving the Ta-Ta's!!
You've seen and heard the phrase if you have not lived in a cave, and have been involved with Relay for Life.
I totally respect the ENTIRE meaning behind the phrase now, more than ever.
Initially, I thought this was great timing for a tummy-tuck ..... boob enhancement. But it was explained that it is more important to do only what has to be done in order to ensure a Willard-free future. The more unnecessary stuff you do, the bigger the chance of side effects.
So next Thursday will be removing the mass only....as long as the MRI shows no other invasions of the booby snatchers....ie baby Willards.
The "girls", "sisters", "ta-ta's" have never been my pet names. Mine, are Laurel and Hardy and have been since I was about 15. They are two of the most mismatched you've ever (and will never!) seen! But they are mine! And I am going to make sure they are around for another 50 years!
So with that, I will close for the day. Encourage you to enjoy your three day weekend in anyway that brings you closer to the ones you love. Laugh hard and long until the tears flow. Love deep and full until your heart seams feel like bursting. And live. Live long, live smart, live with love. Because you are loved.
You've seen and heard the phrase if you have not lived in a cave, and have been involved with Relay for Life.
I totally respect the ENTIRE meaning behind the phrase now, more than ever.
Initially, I thought this was great timing for a tummy-tuck ..... boob enhancement. But it was explained that it is more important to do only what has to be done in order to ensure a Willard-free future. The more unnecessary stuff you do, the bigger the chance of side effects.
So next Thursday will be removing the mass only....as long as the MRI shows no other invasions of the booby snatchers....ie baby Willards.
The "girls", "sisters", "ta-ta's" have never been my pet names. Mine, are Laurel and Hardy and have been since I was about 15. They are two of the most mismatched you've ever (and will never!) seen! But they are mine! And I am going to make sure they are around for another 50 years!
So with that, I will close for the day. Encourage you to enjoy your three day weekend in anyway that brings you closer to the ones you love. Laugh hard and long until the tears flow. Love deep and full until your heart seams feel like bursting. And live. Live long, live smart, live with love. Because you are loved.
Medically what's happening....
So now, back to the facts....
Fact is, I have no patience waiting in a dr's office past 15 minutes.
Fact is, I have to if I want to get on with my life.
Fact is, the surgeon had 1 minute left, or I was going to walk out and find my own surgeon.
Fact is, he came in just in time....Oh bull, my appt was at 9:30 and he came in at 10:44. One more minute and I was out of there!
For the last 10 minutes of my waiting I sang....LOUD....and this is what I sang....
do do do ...do do do do ....do do do do do...do...do .... do ...
dododododo......dododododo....dododododo..do...do...do....dooo
And each verse got alittle louder. Crazy Horse sat in the corner of the exam room giggling and begging me to stop. I think he was afraid he'd pee his pants. (Just like what happens to Bethany sometimes)
Okay, I went to this appointment thinking it was just a meet and greet. But it was actually a see and feel. The surgeon confirmed I have a mass. Oh, geeee....$125 appointment to tell me what I already knew. Do they not read the charts? Willard has been nesting for a year now.
This was the appointment I lost control of my life at.
This was the first day I didn't like.
School has just started. I haven't even had my first library visits. I LOVE my library visits!! I love my job!! I LOVE these kids!!! And now the dr is wanting me to miss school to get Willard removed.
I wanted to wait until the fair holiday. Surgery on Wednesday, recover Thursday and Friday.
OMG!! I thought Crazy Horse was going to come unglued!! He wants Willard out last week. The Dr agreed, waiting until the 19th wasn't that long after all the time he's been nesting. But he doesn't do surgeries on Wednesdays.....there was a little delay in my thinking and reasoning as I watched Crazy Horse in the corner turning redder and redder and squirming and trying hard not to scream.
So, because this man loves me so much and I didn't want to put him through anymore than I had to, I caved. I agreed to have surgery next Thursday. And promised to stay home on Friday to rest.
Crazy Horse began to breath again. I begin the spinning in my brain of not having control.
Once you decide to have surgery, you have to do pre-op stuff at the hospital. Well, I'm here so I might as well get it through my brain that I'm not going to get to go back to work and stay and get my pre-op stuff done now.
So I did. Signed 4,293 papers with my pretend name, Anastassia Beaverhousen. Hope they send the bills to her also!!
Did blood work, and and EKG. Yes, I do have a heart. But it only beats when I feel like being human to others....and after the wasted day, there wasn't much chance of that happeing.
On Tuesday, Sept 4, I travel to Temple for and MRI. As if the mammogram and biospy and ultrasound aren't enough, they want me to go have and MRI.
I've been told that when I get there, they will start an IV of dye....I will undress from the waist up...(If I had a dollar everytime someone told me that lately, surgery would be free)
I will then lay on a table and Laurel and Hardy will plop down through their own holes in the table and pictures will be taken of where the dye goes and doesn't go. For 30 minutes on my belly with Laurel and Hardy hanging!
The idea is to make sure there are no surprises and the the right one is clean. Gotta respect that idea.
Fact is, I have no patience waiting in a dr's office past 15 minutes.
Fact is, I have to if I want to get on with my life.
Fact is, the surgeon had 1 minute left, or I was going to walk out and find my own surgeon.
Fact is, he came in just in time....Oh bull, my appt was at 9:30 and he came in at 10:44. One more minute and I was out of there!
For the last 10 minutes of my waiting I sang....LOUD....and this is what I sang....
do do do ...do do do do ....do do do do do...do...do .... do ...
dododododo......dododododo....dododododo..do...do...do....dooo
And each verse got alittle louder. Crazy Horse sat in the corner of the exam room giggling and begging me to stop. I think he was afraid he'd pee his pants. (Just like what happens to Bethany sometimes)
Okay, I went to this appointment thinking it was just a meet and greet. But it was actually a see and feel. The surgeon confirmed I have a mass. Oh, geeee....$125 appointment to tell me what I already knew. Do they not read the charts? Willard has been nesting for a year now.
This was the appointment I lost control of my life at.
This was the first day I didn't like.
School has just started. I haven't even had my first library visits. I LOVE my library visits!! I love my job!! I LOVE these kids!!! And now the dr is wanting me to miss school to get Willard removed.
I wanted to wait until the fair holiday. Surgery on Wednesday, recover Thursday and Friday.
OMG!! I thought Crazy Horse was going to come unglued!! He wants Willard out last week. The Dr agreed, waiting until the 19th wasn't that long after all the time he's been nesting. But he doesn't do surgeries on Wednesdays.....there was a little delay in my thinking and reasoning as I watched Crazy Horse in the corner turning redder and redder and squirming and trying hard not to scream.
So, because this man loves me so much and I didn't want to put him through anymore than I had to, I caved. I agreed to have surgery next Thursday. And promised to stay home on Friday to rest.
Crazy Horse began to breath again. I begin the spinning in my brain of not having control.
Once you decide to have surgery, you have to do pre-op stuff at the hospital. Well, I'm here so I might as well get it through my brain that I'm not going to get to go back to work and stay and get my pre-op stuff done now.
So I did. Signed 4,293 papers with my pretend name, Anastassia Beaverhousen. Hope they send the bills to her also!!
Did blood work, and and EKG. Yes, I do have a heart. But it only beats when I feel like being human to others....and after the wasted day, there wasn't much chance of that happeing.
On Tuesday, Sept 4, I travel to Temple for and MRI. As if the mammogram and biospy and ultrasound aren't enough, they want me to go have and MRI.
I've been told that when I get there, they will start an IV of dye....I will undress from the waist up...(If I had a dollar everytime someone told me that lately, surgery would be free)
I will then lay on a table and Laurel and Hardy will plop down through their own holes in the table and pictures will be taken of where the dye goes and doesn't go. For 30 minutes on my belly with Laurel and Hardy hanging!
The idea is to make sure there are no surprises and the the right one is clean. Gotta respect that idea.
Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse
It's only fair to explain how I see my family after sharing how I feel about my friends. It came to me in a flash one day thinking about how solid my family is. How supportive and OK we were going to be.
So you picture 4 kids of strength and love and devotion to their mom...they, are my Mt. Rushmore. Or in the case of mine, David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean it could be Mt. Dmore!
The best part of them is that they are mine!! Nurished, loved, feed, groomed, and paid for! They are mine! And I have the stretch marks to prove it.
Life has remained very normal at home. Meaning, I still do everything! I still do the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the folding and the washing and the ironing. Nothing has changed. And as overwhelming as all that is right now...it is what I need. If I only do two loads of laundry, it's okay. Believe me, they have enough clothes to go a few more days. But the normalness of it allows me to know Willard is not the center of our day or our thoughts.
Mt. Dmore is my rock.
And then there is Crazy Horse. With red hair, fair skin and freckles, my husband is no indian....but I do drive him crazy. And Crazy Horse is right up there beside Mt. Rushmore, so it's only fair that Todd is my other giant rock. Although lost on what to do in the beginning, he has spent numerous nights online reading about Willard. Going to the dr visits has allowed him to share this experience. An experience he would call a nightmare....and I call a journey. Each appointment allows him to feel like he is doing something to support me. He hates my bullheadedness....my independence...my "my way" attitude,....my don't bother anyone I can do it myself state of mind....but through this experience, I think it has helped me not cave.
I've been through alot worse than Willard in my life. The big difference is now, I have Crazy Horse to share it with. I am not alone anymore.
So you picture 4 kids of strength and love and devotion to their mom...they, are my Mt. Rushmore. Or in the case of mine, David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean it could be Mt. Dmore!
The best part of them is that they are mine!! Nurished, loved, feed, groomed, and paid for! They are mine! And I have the stretch marks to prove it.
Life has remained very normal at home. Meaning, I still do everything! I still do the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the folding and the washing and the ironing. Nothing has changed. And as overwhelming as all that is right now...it is what I need. If I only do two loads of laundry, it's okay. Believe me, they have enough clothes to go a few more days. But the normalness of it allows me to know Willard is not the center of our day or our thoughts.
Mt. Dmore is my rock.
And then there is Crazy Horse. With red hair, fair skin and freckles, my husband is no indian....but I do drive him crazy. And Crazy Horse is right up there beside Mt. Rushmore, so it's only fair that Todd is my other giant rock. Although lost on what to do in the beginning, he has spent numerous nights online reading about Willard. Going to the dr visits has allowed him to share this experience. An experience he would call a nightmare....and I call a journey. Each appointment allows him to feel like he is doing something to support me. He hates my bullheadedness....my independence...my "my way" attitude,....my don't bother anyone I can do it myself state of mind....but through this experience, I think it has helped me not cave.
I've been through alot worse than Willard in my life. The big difference is now, I have Crazy Horse to share it with. I am not alone anymore.
They are Kind...They are Smart...They Are Important...
....they.....are my friends!
During the last couple of years, my friends have been my sounding board during some stressful times at work. They have supported me, laughed with me, okay, laughed at me at times also, but have always been there for me! These are solid friendships. SOLID as a diamond. More precious than gold.
These friends were the ones it was hardest to tell about Willard. To see the sadness in their eyes was heartbreaking. BUT, they are now the ones who include me in their daily prayers. Asking for a healing hand to come protect me.
They,....are Michelle, my sista, who checks on me every day. And gave me a mug of Faith. She hasn't seen me drink from it because I don't want to dirty it. So I have it with me at work sitting by my computer and I look at it all day long.
They....are Peggy, who comes into the library smiling....and I know something is up!! But she is only there to give me a hug!
They,....are Jessica who leaves a post it note on my computer simply saying "I Love You"
They,....are Marty and Gayle who will ALWAYS be ready to eat ice cream with me and talk!
They,....are Monteen and Rachel and Hanna and Ann and Jessica (again), and Abby who leave me messages on my blog.
They,...are Kahryn who actually uses the U.S. Postal Service to mail me a card. (gotta make a mental note to give her my email so she can save the money)
They,...are Abby (again) and Tammy who give and receive phone calls from me those first few days.
They,...are Debra and Nancy who leave me a love note and candy to let me know they are thinking of me.
They, .....are Trisha's eyes filled with pissed off anger after hearing my news. Trisha is one of the Bestest! And she is also praying extra hard for me this week!
They,....are every teacher that stops by and asks me daily how I feel.
They,...are April and Nancy and Larissa and Linda and Grace and Shirley and Judy and all the others who stop and give me a hug because they need me to know they care.
They...are Jean Ann who holds my hands IN school and prays.
And last, but not at all, or ever least, THEY are my two dearest friends, Bethany and Megan...whom I love dearly and deeply. They are the two I text with in the evenings and tell good night to before going to sleep. They are the ones I have peeing in their pants with my jokes. They are the ones I want to eat Nancy burritos with. And drink Starbucks coffee with, and get pedicures with the mean girls watching and fly Angry Birds on my fingers with until I am old and can't. And when I'm that old and can't, I will Skype with! Because I love them to infinity and back.
They,....and a all the ones I've forgotten to point out are Kind, and Smart and Important to me. Next to my family, these are the ones I love the most.
During the last couple of years, my friends have been my sounding board during some stressful times at work. They have supported me, laughed with me, okay, laughed at me at times also, but have always been there for me! These are solid friendships. SOLID as a diamond. More precious than gold.
These friends were the ones it was hardest to tell about Willard. To see the sadness in their eyes was heartbreaking. BUT, they are now the ones who include me in their daily prayers. Asking for a healing hand to come protect me.
They,....are Michelle, my sista, who checks on me every day. And gave me a mug of Faith. She hasn't seen me drink from it because I don't want to dirty it. So I have it with me at work sitting by my computer and I look at it all day long.
They....are Peggy, who comes into the library smiling....and I know something is up!! But she is only there to give me a hug!
They,....are Jessica who leaves a post it note on my computer simply saying "I Love You"
They,....are Marty and Gayle who will ALWAYS be ready to eat ice cream with me and talk!
They,....are Monteen and Rachel and Hanna and Ann and Jessica (again), and Abby who leave me messages on my blog.
They,...are Kahryn who actually uses the U.S. Postal Service to mail me a card. (gotta make a mental note to give her my email so she can save the money)
They,...are Abby (again) and Tammy who give and receive phone calls from me those first few days.
They,...are Debra and Nancy who leave me a love note and candy to let me know they are thinking of me.
They, .....are Trisha's eyes filled with pissed off anger after hearing my news. Trisha is one of the Bestest! And she is also praying extra hard for me this week!
They,....are every teacher that stops by and asks me daily how I feel.
They,...are April and Nancy and Larissa and Linda and Grace and Shirley and Judy and all the others who stop and give me a hug because they need me to know they care.
They...are Jean Ann who holds my hands IN school and prays.
And last, but not at all, or ever least, THEY are my two dearest friends, Bethany and Megan...whom I love dearly and deeply. They are the two I text with in the evenings and tell good night to before going to sleep. They are the ones I have peeing in their pants with my jokes. They are the ones I want to eat Nancy burritos with. And drink Starbucks coffee with, and get pedicures with the mean girls watching and fly Angry Birds on my fingers with until I am old and can't. And when I'm that old and can't, I will Skype with! Because I love them to infinity and back.
They,....and a all the ones I've forgotten to point out are Kind, and Smart and Important to me. Next to my family, these are the ones I love the most.
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