Through My Daughter's Eyes - Today.

For absolutely no reason at all, TODAY is a good day.

It is hard to choose joy when your heart is broken, and continues to break a million times, in a million ways every day. But, for the first time in the past 8 months and 15 days- today has been the first day that I have finally felt a little bit of peace. A feeling that I have been praying for for a really, really long time.

Today is worth noting.

Through My Daughter's Eyes - Appreciating Life.

Oddly enough, it's when I think about the day that my Mom died that I sometimes feel the most alive.

It's when I remember how sweetly my youngest brother made sure that my Mom was covered up with her blanket, her pillow adjusted just right and the way that he twirled her hair between his fingers(something he has done since he was so little) that I am reminded how precious life is and that memories will last a lifetime, make good ones.

It's when I remember how gentle and caring my second oldest brother was the way he read Mom's text messages to her as they came in. It's when I remember the compassion, gentleness and kindness in his voice that I am reminded how the little things really are the most important things.

It's when I remember the look of pure pain and sadness in my oldest brothers face as we realized the time for Mom to go home was quickly approaching us that I am reminded that the hurt we all felt at that moment and every moment after that is a representation of how much we loved her and always will.

People often ask how we are doing... while I could give a novel-length, detailed answer to this question, the truth is, I just miss my Mom. A lot.

Through my Mom's death, I am learning to appreciate life on a whole new level.

You know the drill, go hug your Mom now.

Love,

Deb's very proud daughter

Through My Daughter's Eyes - Penelope.

Yesterday was a MONDAY. I was on edge, overwhelmed and frustrated. So many things have been running through my mind, I feel like I have so much to do all the time. I've been getting a little taste of all of the responsibilities that my Mom has had. The frustration had carried over to today. I drove to work with my Mom heavy on my heart, and a list of things to do today heavy on my mind. I've been in a really bad mood. And then reality smacks me in the face...thank you, Jesus for that.

I stumbled upon the sweetest pictures of tiny, precious little girl who has been battling Stage IV Neuroblastoma since January of 2014, when she was only 11 months old. I'm ashamed that I let so many little things get to me when there are so many people out there fighting real wars every day. I wish my Mom was here so bad to help me get through days like this.

I've shared a link below of Penelope's story. I hope you all will join me in praying for her and her family.

https://www.facebook.com/PenelopeFightsNeuroblastoma

Love,

Deb's very proud daughter

Through My Daughter's Eyes - Fridays.

Every morning is the same... I wake up and have to ask myself, "Is this real or was that a nightmare?" followed by "Wait, is she really gone?" and once I wake up a little more, I realize that the nightmare is true, that this really is my new life. Anger then follows pretty quickly. Next comes heartache. Then I start to think of all the things that she did in the mornings. She loved morning time. Mornings just aren't a lot of fun these days.

On top of mornings being a hard part of the day... Fridays are now a new territory for me also, seen a whole different light. Fridays are supposed to be fun.

Years ago when I was in college, I came home every single weekend back to Brenham to work and see my family. Every single weekend is no exaggeration, I never spent one Friday or Saturday night in Huntsville. I never questioned it either. I had a job here in Brenham, my family was in Brenham, and therefore, I wanted to be in Brenham. Looking back now I am so thankful that I never thought twice about it and always came home. God always leads you home.

Then starting in August of 2012- Fridays meet chemo day for Mom. Y'all, I cannot put into words how absolutely awesome my Mom was. I will never forget one time I went in to see her during her treatment. She had already started, and was sitting there so contently with her blanket, pillow and iPad just hanging out. I did a quick scan of the room that was filled with people doing the same thing as her, hooked up to machines receiving these treatments. My eyes caught glimpse of a few 'Must Be Heaven pies' and I said "Oh that's nice that they give you all pie here" and she smiled and said "No I brought them for everyone"...'Of course she did', was my first thought. She was always thinking of something she could do for others. To brighten someones day. These were complete strangers to her but I know without a doubt that none of them felt like a stranger to her, nobody that ever met my Mom felt like a stranger. I cannot put into words how much I miss her just typing this. Her heart was made of gold.

Now, Fridays sting. My Mom became pain-free and went to Heaven on a Friday. On Fridays I now wake up and am reminded of how many weeks it has been since my Mom has been gone. This brings a type of pain that I never thought could ever exist. My silver-lining on this Friday is that I am headed later this afternoon to Dallas to spend the weekend with my brother and his girlfriend. My heart is so full of love for both of them. I am excited to get away for the weekend and I know that our conversations will be filled with memories of our Mom and that gets me even more excited. I love, love, love talking about her.

Go hug your Mom now. Happy Friday :)

Love,
Deb’s very proud daughter

Through My Daughter's Eyes - She won.

I forgot where I read this, but towards the end of January I stumbled across it somewhere...

"If the fear of cancer keeps you from moving forward, enjoying life, being with loved ones, laughing...then the cancer won."

If that's the case- then I know my Mom won. My Mom won so big.

I had never seen anything like it. 'It' being the way that she handled all that was thrown at her. Looking back at it now- she had a lot of reasons to slow down, to get discouraged, to be angry, to feel like giving up...and when most people would have reached their breaking point, she never gave in. Her attitude remained upbeat. Her smile remained contagious. Her laughter remained infectious. Her spirit remained inspiring. Her faith kept her going, kept her fighting.

She got out of bed every morning thankful, thankful that she had a job to get up and go to, a job that she loved. Thankful that there were smiling faces of teachers and students waiting for her at this job she loved. After work when most people dreaded going to HEB- she loved it. She loved trying new recipes. She loved coming home and cooking for us. She loved coming home to her family. At night, she sat in 'her chair' watching TV, reading a book, texting her friends, surfing the web on her iPad, and reading a book....YES all at the same time. She was good. She multi-tasked and enjoyed every bit of everything she did. She'd go to bed, more than likely, in pain. Notice that I never once said she complained about anything throughout the day. At most, if she was having a rough day, she would mention something along the lines of "my back is hurting, but I'm sure an ice pack will help me out". That's how she always saw things, "could be worse and I'm going to do whatever I can to make it as 'better' as possible". She went to bed thankful every night. Tired, but thankful, and not without kissing our cheeks or forehead goodnight first. I miss those moments more than anything. Looking back at the moments that I was able to share with her these past few years takes away every bit of embarrassment that being 24 and living at home brought me. I will forever thank God for having my path lead me to being 24 and living at home- because I was able to be with her for that much longer. He is so good.

She made life as normal as possible for her and for her family from the moment she was diagnosed. I will forever be thankful for that. She made the best out of every single moment she had and I pray that I am able to take her attitude and spirit with me every day for the rest of my life and live life more like her as much as possible.

Mom had cancer, but cancer didn't have her.

Through My Daughter's Eyes - One Month.

We have made it through the most challenging, heart-breaking, and worst month of our whole lives. After experiencing a month without my Mom, I'm not sure how I am supposed make it the rest of my life without her.

I knew how lucky I was to have her when she was here...but her not being here, has taken that to a whole new level. That little saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone", is now ringing so true. I have thought about her ALL day long, every day. I see her everywhere. EVERY thing reminds me of her. I have so many special memories of her which I am so thankful for but at the same time, my heart breaks knowing all of the things that I won't get to do with her anymore. I had so much fun with her. I had so much to look forward to with her and now that future has been taken away from me, from her husband and from my brothers. It just doesn't seem fair.

I'll never forget standing in front of a room full of people at Mom's memorial, and making eye contact with someone each time I looked up. Each time I would see someone, I would instantly think, "oh my gosh my Mom loved them so much"...or, "Wow. I remember how much they loved my Mom". Just as people are feeling sympathy for my family, my heart breaks for SO many people as I know we are not the only ones mourning in this loss, a huge loss.

This might have been a pretty depressing post, and I apologize for that. I don't think Mom would be very proud of me for this, but over the past month, I've found myself trying to be strong for other people, to not cry in front of others in fear of making them feel uncomfortable. When other people have been sad, my mind goes a million miles a minute just trying to think of something, anything to comfort them. But there comes a point in this situation, where you just have to let yourself be sad sometimes. Let yourself be upset. Let yourself be angry. So here I am letting myself be sad, upset and angry yet still remaining hopeful that brighter days are ahead.

Now- go hug your Mom. Or call her. Or send her a text. And don't ever be shy in letting her know how much you love her. Don't hold back anything from her. Life's too short for that.

Love,

Deb's daughter

Through My Daughter's Eyes - Part One

This is the second account of my Mom’s that I have (easily) been able to hack into. I’d like to think of it as a special bond between the two of us rather than it being creepy that I am able to guess what her passwords are.

I remember sitting in my design studio in college talking to my friends about how I always wanted to start a blog but I wanted a really good name before I started. We would brainstorm at times, but nothing ever came up, so I never started a blog. But my Mom did. And I never, in ten million years, thought it would be a blog about her journey with cancer. My Mom was the type of person that helped others through difficult times, how did she become the person needing the help?

I’m so thankful that she did start this blog. I know it gave countless numbers of people laughs, comfort and smiles. I love reading her words. She told her story so well. On February 3, 2014, I mentioned the idea of her starting her blog back up and she said, “I don’t have the energy to type yet. Love you!” My heart broke knowing how worn out she was and then she made me feel somewhat better by just saying ‘love you’. Is there a better feeling than hearing someone tell you that they love you? I don’t think so, especially when it’s coming from your Mom. There is no one that compares to your Mom.

So- I want to keep her story going, for forever. What will I write about? Beats me, but I know she will guide me, she always has. I never want people to stop talking about her or stop thinking about her and I hope this can hopefully play a small part in that never happening.

I’ll be back soon.

Love,
Deb’s very proud daughter

And then there were 3!

The countdown to the end is here! Three more Fridays and my second round of Chemo treatments will come to an end.

For a few days my heart weighed heavy, realizing the end of treatments was near- and a new begining of what would start? When I had 5 left to go, I asked my Dr what happens after the last one? His reply, "You learn to live without seeing us each week. And you will". To be honest, that was a scary thought. I have seen him and his nurses more than I have seen coworkers and family! They are my net if I fall. I can't imagine not seeing them every week.

Then he reminded me of some of our talks about priorities in my life. Not worrying about the little stuff. (It's ALLLLLLL little stuff!!) In the end it works out, if it's not, it's not the end. All those famous sayings now come into play.

I told him, I don't have time to worry, he could do the worrying and I'd do the living. Call me when you need me! And he smiled.

I can't believe I'm so near to the end of this part of my journey. It gives me JOY that I have made it.

Before I know where I stand and if I can say I am in remission, I will have a couple of scans. The scans will confirm whether or not the cancer has stopped growing. He is also considering radiation. It was decided weeks ago that I probobly wouldn't have radiation because of the side effects. But now he is considering it. I told him forget it. I am tired and I want to rest. But in the end it will be his decision.

Life will never be the same again!

TMI...

It has been "suggested" that I give to much information. Especially pertaining to my tummy issues. I have thought long and hard about that....and even asked myself why I would share that information. There are a lot of side effects to chemo that I have not mentioned at all. Some painful, some private, some I'd like to forget. But I do not back down from sharing what I have written. This is a journal for me of my journey through breast cancer. I find humor in some of it. And in reality, sometimes you have to laugh about it or you will cry. The mind and body are very forgiving. The mind has a way of erasing some of the worst moments of your life, both emotionally and with pain. It is a protective barrier we all have. I also share some of things because with my cancer it is all internal. Sure, I lost my hair, but that is probobly the only outward change in my appearance. When someone is injured or has surgery there are casts, wheelchairs, crutches ect...to remind you of what the person has gone through. With cancer, especially mine, there is nothing on the outside to see. So when I am asked "how are you feeling?" and I answer "good", that means there are always things going on inside me that makes me not 100%. When I answer "I feel like me again", I really am feeling great that day!! Probobly 80-85% ME!! I guess to me it was an unwritten code that I didn't share with anyone. "Feeling good" means I'm getting there, but I'm beat up inside. This week has been a tough week on my stomach again. But the mouth sores are much better. I don't have much of a taste yet. My feet and hands have not been numb this week. That has been something I have enjoyed!! It's hard walking around when your feet are numb! I have had a bloody nose every morning for the last two weeks. It's not a problem just an inconvience. It comes from the skin in my nose being thin and no nose hairs! So everything I breath irratates my nostrils. It's little things like that that are daily reminders of what your body is dealing with. The body is an amazing machine! I have the most respect for mine! There was about 24 hours that I was upset with my body. I have never abused it. Rarely drink, never did drugs and all of a suddent it was attacking me. But through research I have learned that we all have cancer cells in our body. It's when those cells begin to bunch up together and grow that tumors begin. That can happen because of poor diet, injury ect..when the body can't heal itself. In my case, it was stress. the stress in my life, because of a situation at work, caused my immune system to weaken and attack. I was heartbroke to learn I would always have cancer. And felt my body failed me. But then I looked at it the other way, my lymph nodes, which appeared CLEAN in all my scans and tests were actually packed full of cancer cells and bad tissue. So, in reality, my body really had done a great job of protecting the best it could. I am taking a pill twice a day for my hot flashes. They have been cut by more than half!! And only a couple of times have I had them at night. That in turn has allowed me some better nights sleep! Which gives me some energy!

This is why I LOVE my job....

Yesterday during a library visit a student looked at me...and their eyes opened big and round, as if it was Christmas morning and the exact gift they wanted was under the tree. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "Mrs Tackett, I can see your hair growing!" It was honest emotion from the bottom of their heart. And it made my heart pound with joy. These students have loved me all year. They have showered me with homemade cards, gifts, hugs and words of encouragement. And more than anything, acceptance. Not only for someone who was fighting a disease, but also for someone who looked different. This is my home away from home and I love it here. I love that they are not afraid to see me any way but healthy...without hair! LOL! Many have asked if my hair will ever grow back. And I assure them it is from the medicine, not from the illness. There is peace in their mind when they know that. They smile and nod their head in acceptance of that answer. And those smiles are what make my day. Until yesterday. Their happiness that it was coming back was a thrill for me. We learned last week that you can loose up to 100 strands of hair a day. You can imagine the fun I had with that bit of trivia!

The Plan

So where do I stand now in my treatment? I will do the next 8 weeks of treatment and then the plan is to have another bone scan. That bone scan will let the Dr know how things are going. It was just this last weekend that I finally wrapped my head around some of the thoughts that go with having cancer. I now know I will not be cured. The best that I can and do hope for is remission. You see, the cancer in my breast travelled out of it's area into the lymph nodes under my arm and got into my blood system. There it went to settle on my spine. It is not uncommon for breast cancer to matastised on the spine. I have three areas on my spine. There is also a hot spot on my hip and ribs. I have been aware of the spine cancer since the beginning of chemo. The hip and ribs were found during my last bone scan. But to be honest, I thought the chemo would kill the cancer and it would go away. So far, it hasn't killed it, but it hasn't grown either. That is huge!! One step closer to remission! There are so many meds available that I know I will be around for a long time. I do not feel that immediate need to make a bucket list....although I should get some things on that list just to have some fun!! My 1. on my bucket list will be holding a sign and posting it on facebook saying "My Dr says I'm in remission"!!

Normal.

For two days last week, I hated the word "Normal". I lost "normal" August 14th when my cancer was confirmed. BUT, being the bullheaded German that I am, I announced to my family that this information would not change our lives. We would continue to be "normal". Well, no one ever warned me that there is no "normal" anymore. We no longer have our "normal" life. And there is nothing about what my body goes through that is "normal". But, remove me from your "normal" and place me in my new "normal" and I am "normal". I know....I lost you! Well, after spending two days hating that I was not my "normal" "normal", I finally gained perspecitve on my new "normal". I realized it was MY 'normal" (for now) to be tired. Okay, wiped out is more exact. Many times I feel like I'm failing because I am not the old "normal". My new "normal" is exhausting. So let's catch up... Since December 28th, 2012 I have been taking my chemo treatments weekly on Friday. Some weeks by Thursday afternoon and Friday morning it take every mature thought in me to go to the appointment. Part of me just wants to play hookie and not show up. Be done. Go back to normal. Work a full week. Just do anything but go for a treatment. It's not that the treatment hurts. Although I don't enjoy the side effects....it is that by Thursday I realllllllly feel good. And Friday mornning toooo!! And then it starts over again Friday afternoon. I want n-o-r-m-a-l. I want to eat and taste my food. I want to be able to smell again. I would love to sleep only at night for hours, not just for two hours. I want the numbness in my hand and fingers to be gone. I want the hot flashes on the bottom of my feet to STOP! I want my stomach to be calm. And my colon not to spazzzz. I want normal. See now why I hated the word?! BUT, it was only for two days. I then wrapped my mind around the new normal I am in. The side effects I am having are normal for the meds I am taking. And, those meds are trying to save my life. So, although I look forward to the things I miss in my former life....I am extremely appreciative than my current "normal" falls into the guidelines of success!

Merry Christmas

The Heartbreak of Newton

Everyone's heart grew heavier with the news of the shooting in a peaceful town, much like Anytown, USA. Ordinary people instantly became heroes and innocent children instantly became Angels. There is no other place for those who lost their lives...than Heaven. If this tragedy didn't make you hug your children tighter or call those you love and tell them you love them, nothing will. A Nation instantly adopted a town and prayed, morned and struggled with the why's. To me, this is not an issue of gun control. Except I would agree that assult weapons DO NOT need to be in the hands of the average citizen. But I do see it as a need for better screening for mental health care. Maybe more trust should be put into the observatons of teachers at school. We see at a very early age those children who struggle with demons. But there is not place to start the process of extended mental health care. I would hope that the the loss we as a Nation endured with this shooting, the Twin Tower attack, the Oklahoma City attack and the many other invasions of peace and loss of life would spark you to appreciate your life and those you love more. We need to live each day as if it were our last without loosing site of a wonderful future.

12-12-12

If there was anything magical about this date, I felt it! There is no better place to have a birthday than at Middle School. IF the students like you, you will get birthday wishes all day. I received wishes all day Wednesday, all day Thursday and all day Friday! They knew they had heard it on the announcements. I think they forgot what day they heard it, or for some, Friday was the first chance they had to see me. Regardless, it will go down as one of the best birthdays I have ever had. My dear friends Bethany, Lisa and Megan decorated the library with streamers and balloons so it was VERY FESTIVE!! It was a GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!

Not for the weak...

I'm giving you fair warning that this post will discuss my bodily functions... Okay, so your reading on....you're the kind of person that would stop and watch a train wreck also! Lol! Friday was treatment day. I was the youngest patient there. Not sure what I should make of that! But I felt healthier than allllll of them! There is an unspoken bond we all share. Lots of small talk...several patients enjoyed the cooking shows for hours on end! I did catch a green bean recipe that looked yummy! Just before the Benadryl hit and I slept for 3 hours. I learned this time that some of the meds have side effects that the Benadryl helps discourage. I don't know what they are, but I did notice my arms had lots of dark brown blotches appear, but left awhile later, so I'm thanking the Benadryl for that. I truly felt great last night. The side effects of the shots were gone and so for the first time in WEEKS I walked without any pain in my bones. I felt great, I felt my age instead of previewing that of a 90 years old! Darcee and I headed to college station and enjoyed some Christmas shopping. Even hitting some great bargains! Whhhoooohooo!! I finally fell asleep a little after 3 a.m. I slept sound and felt great when I woke up around 8 a.m. The dogs enjoyed a walk before I headed off to HEB. Groceries put away, soup in the crock pot, laundry going...and it hit me! A HOT FLASH. These are not just run of the mill hot flashes. These last forever and make my bald head sweat! Lol...the good part is when the Ac kicks in and the sweat cools fast!! Needless to say the AC got turned down to 67 again. It must be my magic number. My hot flashes really zap my energy. So it wasn't much longer and I was worn out. Since 2 p.m. I've been laying in bed. Done some online shopping and lots of solitaire. I recently read that a lot of chemo patients play solitaire for hours. It has our mind concentrating on one thing vs. when the chemo brain kicks in and I think of a million things but can't concentrate on doing more than one at a time. I've become a list maker! My last round of treatment and this round have played a number on my intestines. I pass gas all the time. Sometimes not knowing its coming. Sometimes it's a machine gun going off. Sometimes silent and deadly. Two days after my last treatment I'd pass gas - or did I? I ended up changing my underwear 3 times that day. Lol! I went to school that Monday and felt terrrrrrible. Luckily it wasn't the meds, I ended up being sick with a bug that ruined most of my thanksgiving day break. BUT, timing is everything....I had the luxury of having time off and not missing work! It's wonderful how HIS plan works out sometimes! Anyway on that Monday I had to tell Mrs Still I couldn't make it all day. And explain that my gas was a challenge and I didn't bring extra underwear to school. She swears I'm the only one who can make cancer funny! At our first faculty meeting before school started, Mrs Still allowed me to tell my BMS Family that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Starting off my story, I made it a point to tell the males at our campus to be the extra set of hands and be aware of changes in their wife/partners breasts. Before they meander to their dander, do a little breast maintenance. We would call it foreplay, they can call it inspecting! Either way, be AWARE! I had them in giggles! I remember then Peggy saying only Tackett can make cancer funny. Well, what doesn't kill us we should get to say NA NA NA NA BOO BOO to! Cancer won't kill me! It'll be some driver in Brenham who shouldn't have had their license renewed or is not patient with the road construction! YIKES! Well, gotta go gas urge coming, tummy tightening, feels .......wet!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving found me surrounded by all four of my children, my husband and two dogs. Life could not have been better, unless I felt better! LOL! It was a rough week physically. I have found and confirmed by my Dr that the side effects will build up and some will get worse before they get better. The hot flashes are back times 100. Thanksgiving Day I had the air condiitioner set at 67. The family had blankets on them and I had ice packs on me. The Dr said this side effect will drive my family crazy in the months ahead. Oh Joy! Emotions are also becoming uncontrollable. The Saturday of Thanksgiving Break I had a meltdown. I was disappointed that I wasn't getting much help. I started throwing dishes in the cabinets as I put clean dishes away. I tossed silveware in the drawer. Finally they came to see what was wrong. I cried and cried and sobbed. I said what do I need to do to get help. It was a double-edged sword that I couldn't win. I want life to be "normal". But I can't do it all, so that is not normal. But, the kids have been amazing since then. A few days they have "vacationed". But then, so have I. It's okay to use paperplates. It's okay not to do laundry everyday. It's still there the next day when someone can help or I feel better. And if you run out of clean underwear, turn them inside out or go to Wally World. It's open 24 hours a day. So I am slowing down and accepting that life will be okay, even if it's not normal. Besides, who decided what normal is? I have learned to be Thankful daily. Hourly. Each minute. There is so much to be thankful for when you are faced with the possibility of having it all disappear. Or should I say, me disappearing from it. I speak to God all day long wishin' and a hopin' for more time to enjoy his earthly gifts. I know everyone is thankful for what they have. That is why you rushed out on Black Friday to get more of that "stuff". Instead of that, I enjoyed getting up early and listening to the quiet of a full house. The warmth of love that had been shared during the day of Thanksgiving. My precious children allowed me to take their pictures. And my daughter, Darcee, who always thinks outside the box created and printed signs for the pictures. One group of signs said "We Love Our Mom" and the other said "Bald Is Beautiful. Fight like a Girl". They each held a sign and through the tears I tried to focus and take their picture. I was not feeling good at all on Thanksgiving Day, but sucked it up and had my picture taken with them also! I'm so glad I did! I love those pictures!!!!!! Please do not wait until someone gives you a time limit on life before you learn to live, really LIVE, laugh harder and love deeper. And be thankful.