Healing the mind, the body and the soul.....

Today I woke up feeling more like me than I have in weeks.  It was a feeling of  "normal" that I appreciated more than I ever have before.

Healing the Mind...

In my last entry, my mind was spinning with the news of another surgery.  It really only took a couple of days to accept that it had to happen.  It was out of respect for the medical field that I came to grasp the importance of having surgery and removing all signs of cancer.  Even though I really liked the idea of just leaving what was still in me to the radiation, the medical community does not like that idea.  They want all evidence of cancer gone and then begin the process of not letting it return.  And since they've been involved in this much longer than me, I throw my trust and boob into their hands.

Healing the Body...

This body has felt more aches and pains in the last week than I knew I would.  As I start to come out the darkness into the light again, I wish I had known what to expect more thoroughly.  It was after a couple of follow-up visits that I truly realized what my surgery had been like.  As of today, the drainage tube is still in and is literally and physically the biggest pain in my side!  And then there's the challenge of trying to find clothes that you can hide the drainage bag in!  Geeessshh!  What I never thought about was there is not a "natural pocket" for that drainage tube to be in...so at some point toward the end of surgery, a hole was put in my side and pocket was made along my side up under my arm and across to my breast.  The tube has holes all along it to drain the extra fluid my body is making to help the healing process.  The tube HURTS in the area under my arm and across my chest.  I can't wait for it to be out!  It was a kick in the gut when I was told I am still draining way to much to have it removed yet.  Some people have it 2-3-4 weeks.  I don't have that many outfits to hide it!!

Next, there is the constant numbness/tingling under my arm.  You can still poke me with an ice pick and I won't feel it.  Just under my arm pit is the incision that was used for the removal of my lymph nodes.  Flesh, enough to fill a large man's hands was removed from that area.   I don't think the top part of the incision and the bottom part line up anymore.  Plus it has a Frankenstein looking sew-job!  And on top of that is 50 layers of glue.  The glue is rough and rubs against the numbness of my arm.  I spend alot of time with ice on the area to freeze the irritation!  Today I started picking away hunks of dried glue.  I was hoping it would soften the irritation to my arm when it rubs, but so far no luck.   Because the dye never travelled to the lymph nodes (or so we thought) the Dr had to dig around to find mine.  Once he found the first one it was clear why he couldn't find it with the dye.  It was completely incased with cancer cells.  So were the next 9...in total 13 lymph nodes were removed with the last 3 being CLEAN!

The incision on my breast has healed almost to the point of being gone!  It has never caused me any discomfort so doing it again won't be a big deal at all.  Especially to just remove a few cells here and there.  If you have never thought of the human body as a miracle machine, you have never had a baby, or gone through a major surgery.  My breast was cut from side to nipple about 4 inches and layed open.  After removing the mass about the size of a hot dog bun it was closed up and stitched.  What I never thought about was the fact that after removing the mass, the two sides now meeting each other have never met before.  The breast "meat" was attached to the mass...take away the mass and the skin is just there...now being introduced to a new area of skin.  So the bodies way of healing is to rush extra fluid to the area as the two new areas "connect".  So now, my left boob is perky and full and looks like a teenager again....while the right one points to my belly button.  But, I've been told that as the fluid drains, it will begin to search for the equator also....*sigh*  LOL!!! At least one part of me is "young again" even if it temporary!

Healing the Soul...

and the greatest of these is Love...

I haven't talked about my personal beliefs with religion in this blog.  I have done that on purpose.  For one, this was my way of having therapy on my terms.  Writing what I was going through and my feelings about it without it being a Sunday School lesson to you.  And two, my personal relationship with God, is my business.  Sure, I get the irony of it...I am talking to you about all the other things going on, but not God.  That, is, correct.  I will tell you that my God is an awesome God and he has blessed me with life. 

Before I went to my very first Dr appointment I was walking my dogs....and talking to God.  I know you can't "make a deal" with God, but I did.  I told him I would take this journey as long as I knew he would be there with me along the way.  But I also told him that I would take this journey if it meant he would protect all the ones I know and love from having to take this journey also.  I would be glad to experience this illness if he would keep it from others.  I know the power of prayer and appreciate your prayers.  And I pray for you. And you.  And you.  I pray you learn from what you read.  I pray you never have to experience breast cancer.  I pray you treat everyone with the love and friendship you are giving to me now. 

And for that deepest part of my soul, where the love lives and grows....I'll tell you a secret...I've fallen in love.  Madly and deeply in love with my husband all over again.  The independent part of me has had to learn to depend on someone.  And Todd is there.  He measures my drainage tube cup and keeps record of it.  He goes to all my appointments.  Not just because he fears me behind the wheel, but because he wants to know what's going on and what to expect.  I have allowed him to open doors for me because I don't have the strength to  and hold my hand, not just to help me keep my balance, but because I want him near me.   He wants me to feel better and even made me take a pain pill this week because I hurt so bad.  He would be perfect if it weren't for the bedroom.  Oh, dear....there goes your mind!!  It is his snoring!!!  Even a pain pill doesn't knock me out long enough to sleep through the night.  But, I love him.  So for the things we do for love, I'll keep him as long as he loves me.

The healing of my mind, body and soul are all in line.  Life is good.  I am loved.  And feeling great!