So the Old Deb is back again,....*sigh*

That's the comment I got from my Crazy Horse this morning as we left for work.  He was being his usual helpful self, carrying my lunch for me to the pickup.  I tried to take it from him and he wanted to carry it....

My comment was, "I'm not lazy, It's not heavy, And I'm not dying, so I can carry it".  His face dropped and he says, "So I guess the old Deb is back again.  You're not going to let me help you anymore".  I quickly told him he could still help, I'm not fully recovered and my arm still hurts.

I never pictured myself not living to be 103.  So next Friday when I take my first chemo treatment I will celebrate the second half of my life birthday. 

I will have a scan next Wednesday to provide a baseline of the rest of my body.  My oncologist Dr feels strongly that there is probobly not any other places right now.  BUT, there could be a reoccurance in 5, 10 or even 20 years.   So we are going forward to try to prevent any chance of that happening.  Next Wednesday I will have a baseline scan of my torso to check for any other spots, but mostly to have as a point to go forward from.  Then next Friday, I will have my first chemo treatment.  It will start around 11 a.m. and get done around 4:30 p.m.  After that, it will be once a week for about an hour.  This treatment will be detailed as they give me drugs to protect my heart, (yes, they found one), bone marrow, help in not getting sick to my stomach....and all the other things that will provide me with a healthy life in the future.

BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!!

Hair loss is one side effect that the drugs won't stop from happening.  So sometime in the next 3-4 weeks, you will see me with a scarf or hat on.  Don't hate me because I am beautiful bald!! LOLOLOL!!! 

I WISH everyone had the opportunity to work at BMS for Mrs. Still!!  I could write a whole separate blog about her.  If there was ever a mortal Wonder Women, it would be Peggy Still.  Other than her punching me in my bad arm one day, she is Perfect!

Why do I say that now?  Well, she has agreed to let me handle my baldness on my terms.  I have a book fair in two weeks.  I am challenging the students to purchase 1000 books from the book fair and I will buzz my head.  Of course when announced, the boys go crazy, most of the girls giggle and a few of my "special ones who touch my heart" say NO!!  I assure them I will rock it with scarves and hats!!

It has been one of my fears that I would scare our students with my changes.  Mrs. Still pointed out that most all of them have already been touched by cancer.  And as we go forward and they may question my changes, we can introduce them to what a survivor of cancer can do!  So if it does hit their family, they can say "No worries! Mrs. Tackett still works and smiles and is ALIVE!" 

So on that note, as a I live the last week of the first part of my life, I rejoice in the friendships I've made in the last 15 years.  You are the ones that are sending me chocolate intercampus, notes, and flowers and dark chocolate and hugs and gift cards for meals and drive thru meals and meals delivered and HUGS and texts.  My heart is so full. 

My love to you all!  You DO make a difference in my life!

Parenthood

If you have the time, and the internet connection, watch Tuesday, September 25th episode of Parenthood.  I've never watched it before myself, but Tuesday night I came out from my bedroom and Todd told me the episode was us. 

I don't know the characters, but one couple finds out that the wife has breast cancer.  It is a very true, relate able episode of the emotions that flood you and your partner.  Have a kleenex ready! (maybe 2)  The Dr in the episode is a jerk.  With all the Dr's I have met in the last month, NONE were like him....he was createdto add a little extra storyline.

Today I head to the Oncologist.  I have my list of questions ready.  He won't go through them.  He will educate me and draw pictures and then if my questions weren't answered, he will.  I'm ready for this visit.  I need this visit to give me a mind-set and timeline of things ahead.

My heart is heavy at times....

If I am at home during those times, I place my head on Crazy Horses chest and cry.  Not bawl, just let out some tears.  The security of his arms around me tells me I am not alone.

When I am at school, and it hits me, you will find a group of us with red eyes.  One of the best comments someone told me is that I am "normal"  (Thank you Jessica, I love you!) she would be worried about me if I didn't have "moments".

My ARMY of protectors/followers/prayer givers/huggers/cooks/ increases daily.  And I am forever grateful for each of you.  I will say it again, NEVER underestimate how important your friendship is and your words of encouragement.

God Bless my boob, my armpit, the rest of my body from anymore.  But God, please bless my friends as they travel through this journey with me.  Without them, I would have hit a dead end weeks ago.

Bye bye drainage tube!

Wooohooo the pain in my side is gone. Not only does it feel better, it gives me a little freedom in sleeping and moving!

The pathology report came back with one area great and one area acceptable.  With the plan of attack coming, the area that was near the surface and acceptable should not have a chance to grow-now.  There's no saying it won't in a year or five years.  That is a very unsettling comment.

I have been labeled Stage 3 cancer.  I was really planning on a 2 because 3 is just close to Stage 4.  

Of course I got online and search for % of survival rate.  I didn't like any of the odds, so I went and played solitaire!  I do win in that game!!

I have a meeting with my oncologist Thursday after school.  Time for him to give me his outlook and plan of attack.

It was such a great feeling to be back at work today.  Something about a students smile can really make your day go better!  I still have to keep my arm movement to a minimum to give the armpit a chance for the skin to reconnect.  It is numb from just above my elbow to a little under my armpit.
Putting my deodorant on this morning was a comedy act of its own!  I was rubbing the stick in my armpit but couldn't feel a thing.  So I had to stand in front of the mirror to put it on.  I could see it going on but couldn't feel it! Frrreeeky!

Today was a great day to be alive!



Today was a great day to be alive!

How am I feeling? With my fingers!

This late afternoon leaves me feeling more alert.  FINALLY!

Wednesday night as I was laying in bed resting, i turned over and felt and heard a big POP.  Something somewhere on my drainage tube popped. Todd couldn't find anything broke or disconnected so that was good. But what was even better was it felt better!! The pain in my side was gone. Wow! What a difference that makes in my day when I'm not having to fight the constant pain.  The dr checked it over at the hospital and it may have just been a stitch that popped.  Whatever it was, i wish it would have happened two weeks ago.

Surgery went well. A large portion of my breast was removed. I have my fingers crossed this is the end of Willard and his offspring!

A mediport was put in just under my skin on my right side just below my collar bone.  It is very tender.  I'm not able to lift my Dr. pepper to take a drink, but I have plenty of straws!

Except for my chest pains, I feel myself getting stronger.  My heart feels full at times with all of this happening, but about that time I get a call or card or text from my army and the fear and heaviness melts.

I hope you all had time to call and book your mammogram today.  If not, Monday is just a few days away.... Make that call.

Dr. Says you need to choose Plan A or Plan B

Today was a follow-up with my surgeon.  Way to much drainage. He wants me to hold my arm against my body so that the skin has time to heal and reattach.  No exercising, no lifting, let my body heal!

Then we moved on to the fact that there is still cancer in my body.  Time to get it out.  At this point I have have a choice, PLAN A: go in and try again to have the cells captured PLAN B: or have a mastectomy.

I chose to go ahead and have him try again.  This time there will be areas of my breast that have to be removed and then sewn back together again.  There will be a difference in the size and shape after this surgery.

I chose this plan, not because I need to keep my breast to feel "whole" or feminine, but again, it is the least invasive which should cut back on side effects.

During the surgery, my Dr. Will put in a button under my skin for receiving chemo.  It has a line to go into my blood system for treatment.  The middle of the button is soft and made for the needle to be  enserted there.  I will have several months of chemo. That brought a few tears to sting my eyes.  I had way to much cancer in me.  And because of that, there is a high probability there is cancer someplace else.  That statement, whether you are ready for it or not, kicks you in the gut.  My head started spinning with that statement.

So surgery is set for tomorrow morning.  I will go to work until 10 and then go to the hospital to check in by 11.  Friday I will stay home and rest.  And then there's Saturday and Sunday to rest also.  There is no humor in this posting.  I guess this is the serious side of cancer.

I know I still haven't wrapped my head around the magnitude of having cancer.  I am blessed to feel great -aside from the pain in my side, known as a drainage tube-and so it is overwhelming knowing my body is really fighting something this serious.

But one of my amazing friends recently told me I was Not fighting this alone....I have a whole army fighting with me.

If you haven't made the call that could save your life yet, call tomorrow.  Get your mammogram scheduled now.  Do it for the ones you love.  Do it for the ones who love you.  Do it for me, because it doesn't hurt and it will save your life.  And I need you in my life!

More after surgery! All my love to my friends and my FAMILY.

Healing the mind, the body and the soul.....

Today I woke up feeling more like me than I have in weeks.  It was a feeling of  "normal" that I appreciated more than I ever have before.

Healing the Mind...

In my last entry, my mind was spinning with the news of another surgery.  It really only took a couple of days to accept that it had to happen.  It was out of respect for the medical field that I came to grasp the importance of having surgery and removing all signs of cancer.  Even though I really liked the idea of just leaving what was still in me to the radiation, the medical community does not like that idea.  They want all evidence of cancer gone and then begin the process of not letting it return.  And since they've been involved in this much longer than me, I throw my trust and boob into their hands.

Healing the Body...

This body has felt more aches and pains in the last week than I knew I would.  As I start to come out the darkness into the light again, I wish I had known what to expect more thoroughly.  It was after a couple of follow-up visits that I truly realized what my surgery had been like.  As of today, the drainage tube is still in and is literally and physically the biggest pain in my side!  And then there's the challenge of trying to find clothes that you can hide the drainage bag in!  Geeessshh!  What I never thought about was there is not a "natural pocket" for that drainage tube to be in...so at some point toward the end of surgery, a hole was put in my side and pocket was made along my side up under my arm and across to my breast.  The tube has holes all along it to drain the extra fluid my body is making to help the healing process.  The tube HURTS in the area under my arm and across my chest.  I can't wait for it to be out!  It was a kick in the gut when I was told I am still draining way to much to have it removed yet.  Some people have it 2-3-4 weeks.  I don't have that many outfits to hide it!!

Next, there is the constant numbness/tingling under my arm.  You can still poke me with an ice pick and I won't feel it.  Just under my arm pit is the incision that was used for the removal of my lymph nodes.  Flesh, enough to fill a large man's hands was removed from that area.   I don't think the top part of the incision and the bottom part line up anymore.  Plus it has a Frankenstein looking sew-job!  And on top of that is 50 layers of glue.  The glue is rough and rubs against the numbness of my arm.  I spend alot of time with ice on the area to freeze the irritation!  Today I started picking away hunks of dried glue.  I was hoping it would soften the irritation to my arm when it rubs, but so far no luck.   Because the dye never travelled to the lymph nodes (or so we thought) the Dr had to dig around to find mine.  Once he found the first one it was clear why he couldn't find it with the dye.  It was completely incased with cancer cells.  So were the next 9...in total 13 lymph nodes were removed with the last 3 being CLEAN!

The incision on my breast has healed almost to the point of being gone!  It has never caused me any discomfort so doing it again won't be a big deal at all.  Especially to just remove a few cells here and there.  If you have never thought of the human body as a miracle machine, you have never had a baby, or gone through a major surgery.  My breast was cut from side to nipple about 4 inches and layed open.  After removing the mass about the size of a hot dog bun it was closed up and stitched.  What I never thought about was the fact that after removing the mass, the two sides now meeting each other have never met before.  The breast "meat" was attached to the mass...take away the mass and the skin is just there...now being introduced to a new area of skin.  So the bodies way of healing is to rush extra fluid to the area as the two new areas "connect".  So now, my left boob is perky and full and looks like a teenager again....while the right one points to my belly button.  But, I've been told that as the fluid drains, it will begin to search for the equator also....*sigh*  LOL!!! At least one part of me is "young again" even if it temporary!

Healing the Soul...

and the greatest of these is Love...

I haven't talked about my personal beliefs with religion in this blog.  I have done that on purpose.  For one, this was my way of having therapy on my terms.  Writing what I was going through and my feelings about it without it being a Sunday School lesson to you.  And two, my personal relationship with God, is my business.  Sure, I get the irony of it...I am talking to you about all the other things going on, but not God.  That, is, correct.  I will tell you that my God is an awesome God and he has blessed me with life. 

Before I went to my very first Dr appointment I was walking my dogs....and talking to God.  I know you can't "make a deal" with God, but I did.  I told him I would take this journey as long as I knew he would be there with me along the way.  But I also told him that I would take this journey if it meant he would protect all the ones I know and love from having to take this journey also.  I would be glad to experience this illness if he would keep it from others.  I know the power of prayer and appreciate your prayers.  And I pray for you. And you.  And you.  I pray you learn from what you read.  I pray you never have to experience breast cancer.  I pray you treat everyone with the love and friendship you are giving to me now. 

And for that deepest part of my soul, where the love lives and grows....I'll tell you a secret...I've fallen in love.  Madly and deeply in love with my husband all over again.  The independent part of me has had to learn to depend on someone.  And Todd is there.  He measures my drainage tube cup and keeps record of it.  He goes to all my appointments.  Not just because he fears me behind the wheel, but because he wants to know what's going on and what to expect.  I have allowed him to open doors for me because I don't have the strength to  and hold my hand, not just to help me keep my balance, but because I want him near me.   He wants me to feel better and even made me take a pain pill this week because I hurt so bad.  He would be perfect if it weren't for the bedroom.  Oh, dear....there goes your mind!!  It is his snoring!!!  Even a pain pill doesn't knock me out long enough to sleep through the night.  But, I love him.  So for the things we do for love, I'll keep him as long as he loves me.

The healing of my mind, body and soul are all in line.  Life is good.  I am loved.  And feeling great!

Walking on the sidewalk beside the road....

It is not possible to stay on the sidewalk during this journey and never walk over the bump in the road.  That bump in the road extends to the sidewalk beside the road also.

Sometimes that bump feels like ant hill.  Sometimes it feels like a slight incline.  Today it felt like a mountain.  No more walking on the sidewalk and thinking I can get by the bump without climbing it.

The drainage tube is still in.  It is doing it's job of removing the "junk" my body is making.  Because it is still collecting alot of liquid, it was not safe to remove it.  Removing it would make the area under my arm collect the liquid and cause trouble.  So, I must now wait until Friday morning to see if it can be removed.

My appointment today was at 9:40 a.m. I didn't get into a room until 10:45 a.m.  I don't know if they overbook or what, but it sure caused my blood pressure to go through the roof.  That gave me a headache and the headache gave me an upset stomach.  They tested my thyroid to make sure it was working and the report came back that it was in the "normal" range.  Someone needs to inform these people there is no "normal range" for me!!! Unique--yes, Normal-- NEVER!!

I learned today that the numbness in my arm and under arm is probably permanent.  Because of the area in which the lymph nodes were removed was so large, the nerves were cut.  And as we know, nerves don't repair/regrow.  So it feels like a permanent withdrawal of Novocaine that never fully clears up.  The good news:....you could poke me with an ice pick and I won't feel it! LOL

The pathology report had come in, and the surgeon got to be the bearer of bad news.  Some of the margins were positive.  What does that mean?  Well, the surgeon removes the mass PLUS tissue all the way around the mass.  The extra tissue is to ensure that no cancer cells are left behind.  The surgeon marks the mass and corresponds those marks to the skin left in my breast.  That way, if the area he takes out is not completely clear of cancer cells, the pathology report tells him where to go back and take out more. 

And so, a second surgery is necessary.  Crazy Horse sucked air that was probably heard in the next room.  It was a moment that he was hoping to protect me from and couldn't.  It was a moment I wish I didn't have to live.  But in order to LIVE, I will live the moment. 

I will see my surgeon on  our Fair Holiday and see what kind of timeline we will have for the second surgery.  Thank goodness my underarm will not be touched!!  So the recovery time will be faster the second time around. 

My mind is sound and know what is going on, what needs to be done and to take care of myself.  It's my heart that breaks.  Having to tell my family that some was missed is really harder than telling them the first time.  My head and my heart are not in line with each other.  This is one of the times this blog does more for me than it does for you.  Until I have them both in line with each other, I don't want to talk about it.  You can read it....and know what's going on.

What can you do for me?  More of the same.  I appreciate the notes, texts, emails, stuffed animal (Thank you Kimberly), banana bread (thank you Tracy G) and thoughts and prayers (everyone!).  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with what is going on, what is coming or the numbness is driving me crazy!! But I love hearing from you! 

Tomorrow is Wednesday, September 12th.  And I am heading back to school.  I have the perfect outfit picked out to hide my drainage tube! LOL I hope to make it all day, but if I don't, I don't.  I have a family at Brenham Middle School (ie Sean) that loves me and wants what's best for me.  So I will lean on them if I need to.

Day two of no Willard..

I slept for three hours last night even with a pain pill. Woke up In the middle of the night and watched tv for a couple of hours.

This morning I was very sore, Especially under my arm pit. I swear the skin is mismatched and pulls. I'm getting lots of movement back as the day goes on.  Throat is still sore and other aches and pains have appeared, but it's all good. It's the road to recovery.

The worst part of the day was finding out my ex-husbands current wife found out about my journey and decided to call my family and tell them.  I'm pretty sure my blood pressure took a huge jump.  I still haven't been able to wrap my head around why she would find that her place to make that call.  She's damn lucky we are 1000 miles apart right now.

Willard has left the body!

It was a long day! And an emotional one.

It began with my surgeon finding us and telling me that Willard was 2 1/2 times bigger than had been figured. The MRI I did on Tuesday ended up being worth it. It gave the surgeon more information before going in and for that I am thankful.  Because of its size he wasn't able to go in from the side, instead I have a cut from under my arm to my nipple.

I also have a huge jagged one under my arm where he had to look for and remove my lymph nodes.  The cancer had encircled the first node so that didn't allow the dye to travel for the surgeon to map it out.

No eating or drinking since Wednesday night at 8 pm makes for a miserable day! I especially missed my pumpkin spice or island coconut or Nantucket coffee! So by 11 the headache was hitting. Add to that the stress, and the surgeon mentioning chemo the headache intensified! It was Turning into a migrane which caused me to get sick to my stomach and dry heaves. That in turn made my head hurt more! Vicious circle....

At 11, they gave me 4 shots of dye around my nipple...yes it hurt, but after the biopsy it was completely tolerable.   The dr then massaged my breast to get the dye moving.  I told him he could have at least bought me dinner first! Thank goodness he had a sence of humor....cuz he laughed.  The sweet girl in radiology both enjoyed my humor.  They said most patients are really stressed out and emotional.  Guess they don't have a rock named Sean behind them!

The dye never moved.... So after 345 they gave up and sent me to surgery.  Once I got there, the anathesiologist gave me some liquid Tylenol in my IV.   In ten seconds, it hit! It was like a nice glass of wine and relaxed me.  Relief finally.  She said it would hit me hard and fast since I dont drink....it was a good feeling so I may have to start drinking wine more often!

I remember waking up in recovery and immediately feeling to see if my breast was still there.  It was, so I went back to sleep.  After a few deep breaths and coughing I went back to my outpatient room.  More breathing and coughing before I could go home.  And, getting my blood pressure down . It was HIGH!

After all was good, we headed home! I came home with vicadone(sp) but I haven't needed it. I took half of one last night and the others half this morning.  I've been staying awake longer and getting more alert.

I have a sore throat (3-4 days prob) and a drainage tube that crazy horse drains for me.   No pain to speak of, just discomfort and puffiness under my arm with that incision.  My head spins and my stomach is upset but it'll pass. I have a sea sickness patch behind my ear to help with the upset tummy.

I thank my beautiful daughter for putting a post on fb last night.   She's right, I have enjoyed reading my texts and fb posts today!

Nap time!! Thank you for your prayers, pleases continue them as the future holds some tough treatments for my body and mind.  I KNOW I am blessed with a caring husband, great children who love their mom, and friends who I love and love me.  I loved all of you before Willard entered the picture, so now it's just leaning on that friendship for prayers and giggles and love.

Random Acts of Kindness....

Never underestimate the importance of a hug!!  or a quilt!!   or a rock!!!


Random Acts of Kindness are something we should learn to do everyday.  Even if it's letting someone into the flow of traffic.  It can be simple.

I have recently been the recipient of some random acts.

From total strangers with hearts full of love, I received a Prayer Quilt.  It is beautiful and I have used it everyday since I got it!!  I have never met the people who made it or the family that gave it to me....but the love and warmth is felt through their work and the words they shared with me.  After I use it tonight, it will be packed and taken to the hospital with me.  Thank you to those who put their time into making my quilt and all the others they have made and will make!  This was truly an unexpected gift and I love it!!

Today, left on my desk was a rock.  Not just any rock, but a rock picked out by a heart full of love and packed with prayers for me.  My Rock, (shall we call him Connery? or just Sean?) will travel with me to my procedures and surgery as a reminder of the family I have at BMS!  How thoughtful!! How LOVED I am!!  Now I have three rocks, Mt. Dmore, Crazy Horse and Sean!!  I am Blessed beyond words!

Thank you Trisha for your prayers and all the thought you have put into Sean.  You are a good person and God has blessed me with your friendship!  Rock On!!

Amazing following!

Since August 19th, I have 1320 views of my blog.....WOW!!

That is an overwhelming display of friendship to me! 

Thank you to you, and you, and you, for the time you take to read, sigh, cry, pray and change your depends when you laugh to hard.

The best of my life is yet to come.  This week is just details.....

Save the TA-TA's!!

The plan is, and I've been told I'm a good candidate for....saving the Ta-Ta's!!

You've seen  and heard the phrase if you have not lived in a cave, and have been involved with Relay for Life.

I totally respect the ENTIRE meaning behind the phrase now, more than ever.

Initially, I thought this was  great timing for a tummy-tuck ..... boob enhancement.  But it was explained that it is more important to do only what has to be done in order to ensure a Willard-free future.  The more unnecessary stuff you do, the bigger the chance of side effects.

So next Thursday will be removing the mass only....as long as the MRI shows no other invasions of the booby snatchers....ie baby Willards.

The "girls", "sisters", "ta-ta's" have never been my pet names.  Mine, are Laurel and Hardy and have been since I was about 15.  They are two of the most mismatched you've ever (and will never!) seen!  But they are mine!  And I am going to make sure they are around for another 50 years!

So with that, I will close for the day.  Encourage you to enjoy your three day weekend in anyway that brings you closer to the ones you love.  Laugh hard and long until the tears flow.  Love deep and full until your heart seams feel like bursting.  And live.  Live long, live smart, live with love.  Because you are loved.

Medically what's happening....

So now, back to the facts....

Fact is, I have no patience waiting in a dr's office past 15 minutes.

Fact is, I have to if I want to get on with my life.

Fact is, the surgeon had 1 minute left, or I was going to walk out and find my own surgeon.

Fact is, he came in just in time....Oh bull, my appt was at 9:30 and he came in at 10:44. One more minute and I was out of there!

For the last 10 minutes of my waiting I sang....LOUD....and this is what I sang....

do do do ...do do do do ....do do do do do...do...do .... do ...
dododododo......dododododo....dododododo..do...do...do....dooo


And each verse got alittle louder.   Crazy Horse sat in the corner of the exam room giggling and begging me to stop.  I think he was afraid he'd pee his pants.  (Just like what happens to Bethany sometimes)

Okay, I went to this appointment thinking it was just a meet and greet.  But it was actually a see and feel.  The surgeon confirmed I have a mass.  Oh, geeee....$125 appointment to tell me what I already knew.   Do they not read the charts?  Willard has been nesting for a year now. 

This was the appointment I lost control of my life at. 

This was the first day I didn't like.

School has just started.  I haven't even had my first library visits.  I LOVE my library visits!!  I love my job!! I LOVE these kids!!!  And now the dr is wanting me to miss school to get Willard removed.

I wanted to wait until the fair holiday.  Surgery on Wednesday, recover Thursday and Friday. 

OMG!! I thought Crazy Horse was going to come unglued!!  He wants Willard out last week.  The Dr agreed, waiting until the 19th wasn't that long after all the time he's been nesting.  But he doesn't do surgeries on Wednesdays.....there was a little delay in my thinking and reasoning as I watched Crazy Horse in the corner turning redder and redder and squirming and trying hard not to scream.

So, because this man loves me so much and I didn't want to put him through anymore than I had to, I caved.  I agreed to have surgery next Thursday.  And promised to stay home on Friday to rest. 

Crazy Horse began to breath again.  I begin the spinning in my brain of not having control.

Once you decide to have surgery, you have to do pre-op stuff at the hospital.  Well, I'm here so I might as well get it through my brain that I'm not going to get to go back to work and stay and get my pre-op stuff done now.

So I did.  Signed 4,293 papers with my pretend name, Anastassia Beaverhousen.  Hope they send the bills to her also!!

Did blood work, and and EKG.  Yes, I do have a heart.  But it only beats when I feel like being human to others....and after the wasted day, there wasn't much chance of that happeing. 

On Tuesday, Sept 4, I travel to Temple for and MRI.  As if the mammogram and biospy and ultrasound aren't enough, they want me to go have and MRI.

I've been told that when I get there, they will start an IV of dye....I will undress from the waist up...(If I had a dollar everytime someone told me that lately, surgery would be free)

I will then lay on a table and Laurel and Hardy will plop down through their own holes in the table and pictures will be taken of where the dye goes and doesn't go.  For 30 minutes on my belly with Laurel and Hardy hanging!

The idea is to make sure there are no surprises and the the right one is clean.  Gotta respect that idea.

Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse

It's only fair to explain how I see my family after sharing how I feel about my friends.  It came to me in a flash one day thinking about how solid my family is.  How supportive and OK we were going to be.

So you picture 4 kids of strength and love and devotion to their mom...they, are my Mt. Rushmore.  Or in the case of mine, David, Darrell, Darcee and Dean it could be Mt. Dmore!

The best part of them is that they are mine!! Nurished, loved, feed, groomed, and paid for!  They are mine!  And I have the stretch marks to prove it. 

Life has remained very normal at home.  Meaning, I still do everything!  I still do the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the folding and the washing and the ironing.  Nothing has changed.  And as overwhelming as all that is right now...it is what I need.  If I only do two loads of laundry, it's okay.  Believe me, they have enough clothes to go a few more days.  But the normalness of it allows me to know Willard is not the center of our day or our thoughts. 

Mt. Dmore is my rock.

And then there is Crazy Horse.   With red hair, fair skin and freckles, my husband is no indian....but I do drive him crazy.  And Crazy Horse is right up there beside Mt. Rushmore, so it's only fair that Todd is my other giant rock.  Although lost on what to do in the beginning, he has spent numerous nights online reading about Willard.  Going to the dr visits has allowed him to share this experience.  An experience he would call a nightmare....and I call a journey.  Each appointment allows him to feel like he is doing something to support me.  He hates my bullheadedness....my independence...my "my way" attitude,....my don't bother anyone I can do it myself  state of mind....but through this experience, I think it has helped me not cave. 

I've been through alot worse than Willard in my life.  The big difference is now, I have Crazy Horse to share it with.  I am not alone anymore.

They are Kind...They are Smart...They Are Important...

....they.....are my friends!

During the last couple of years, my friends have been my sounding board during some stressful times at work.  They have supported me, laughed with me, okay, laughed at me at times also, but have always been there for me!  These are solid friendships.  SOLID as a diamond.  More precious than gold. 

These friends were the ones it was hardest to tell about Willard.  To see the sadness in their eyes was heartbreaking.  BUT, they are now the ones who include me in their daily prayers.  Asking for a healing hand to come protect me.

They,....are Michelle, my sista, who checks on me every day.  And gave me a mug of Faith.  She hasn't seen me drink from it because I don't want to dirty it. So I have it with me at work sitting by my computer and I look at it all day long.

They....are Peggy, who comes into the library smiling....and I know something is up!! But she is only there to give me a hug! 

They,....are Jessica who leaves a post it note on my computer simply saying "I Love You"

They,....are Marty and Gayle who will ALWAYS be ready to eat ice cream with me and talk!

They,....are Monteen and Rachel and Hanna and Ann and Jessica (again), and Abby who leave me messages on my blog. 

They,...are Kahryn who actually uses the U.S. Postal Service to mail me a card.  (gotta make a mental note to give her my email so she can save the money)

They,...are Abby (again)  and Tammy who give and receive phone calls from me those first few days.

They,...are Debra and Nancy who leave me a love note and candy to let me know they are thinking of me.

They, .....are Trisha's eyes filled with pissed off anger after hearing my news.  Trisha is one of the Bestest!  And she is also praying extra hard for me this week!

They,....are every teacher that stops by and asks me daily how I feel. 

They,...are April and Nancy and Larissa and Linda and Grace and Shirley and Judy and all the others who stop and give me a hug because they need me to know they care.

They...are Jean Ann who holds my hands IN school and prays.

And last, but not at all,  or ever least, THEY are my two dearest friends, Bethany and Megan...whom I love dearly and deeply.  They are the two I text with in the evenings and tell good night to before going to sleep.  They are the ones I have peeing in their pants with my jokes.  They are the ones I want to eat Nancy burritos with.  And drink Starbucks coffee with, and get pedicures with the mean girls watching and fly Angry Birds on my fingers with until I am old and can't.  And when I'm that old and can't, I will Skype with!  Because I love them to infinity and back. 

They,....and a all the ones I've forgotten to point out are Kind, and Smart and Important to me.  Next to my family, these are the ones I love the most.